


these days

by silkbonnet



Series: course correction [2]
Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: & familial relations, F/F, Gen, Post Season 3, friendship dynamics, vignettes but long
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:47:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26910871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silkbonnet/pseuds/silkbonnet
Summary: maya tries. it's harder than it looks.orcorrelated snapshots of maya and the important people in her life.
Relationships: Maya Bishop & Andy Herrera, Maya Bishop & Victoria Hughes, Maya Bishop/Carina DeLuca, etc
Series: course correction [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1889953
Comments: 41
Kudos: 236





	1. friends and lovers.

**Author's Note:**

> so. turns out zoom lectures are the perfect inspiration. who knew?

.

_' ive been playing dead, my whole life._

_and i get this feeling whenever i feel good, it'll be the last time.'_

_**\- icu,** _ **phoebe bridgers**

.

"Why did we go out? We should never have gone out, it's cold as hell—"

"Lower your voice," Maya hisses. "Carina's sleeping and she has work tomorrow. Today. Fuck, what time is it?"

"I wasn't being loud," Vic stage whispers, immediately bumping into the bookcase. 

Two large books drop on the floor and echo loudly in the silent house. 

"Oops?" is all Vic offers when Maya glares, shrugging as she trudges unsteadily to the kitchen.

"How are you still hungry?" Maya follows, watches Vic open the fridge. "We just had burgers."

"That was dinner, this is dessert," Vic says, grabbing a carton of juice and shaking it.

"You enjoy raiding the fridge, I'm going to bed." 

" 'Kay, goodni—we have tiramisu?"

"Tiramisu?" Maya walks back to the fridge and grabs the glass dish from Vic.

"Thought you were going to bed," Vic says, smug. 

"I am," Maya peels back the cling film on the dish, "after I have a slice."

She's been up for almost 48 hours and she's tired but she's also drunk enough that a slice or three of cake sounds amazing right now. 

Since mid-afternoon, Maya, Vic and the rest of the team had battled a skyscraper fire, tackling it from all sides with the help of two other stations. It had only let up a few hours ago. 

Worn but still buzzing with adrenaline, the team had gone to Joe's, wanting to celebrate the fact that no one had died or gotten too badly inured. They'd claimed two booths in the back, loud and unruly, ordering drink after drink for each other and lucky, random strangers that happened to be passing by their table. Conversations and drinks flowed more freely as the night went on, but some time around 2 AM, true exhaustion settled over the group and one by one, they started to file out.

Drunk and not really paying attention, Maya had accidentally ordered an uber pool and she and Vic had to endure the late night musings of their fellow intoxicated passengers. Leaning heavily on each other in backseat, they tried to stay awake as the city passed in flashes of light around them.

It took Maya a few tries to unlock the front door, she had to talk Vic out of MacGyvering their front window and climbing through but she eventually figured out the lock. 

In the kitchen, they quietly pull out plates and forks. Vic pours the last of the cranberry juice into two oversized mugs then hands one to Maya. 

Sitting on the floor, they dig into the tiramisu from both sides with their forks, plates forgotten.

"You think if I paid Carina she'd make me my own personal cake?" Vic asks, speaking slow and blinking hard, the way she gets when she's drunk. "I need, like, 10 of these, post haste."

"Post haste?" 

Vic nods and closes her eyes. "God, I love having a roommate who cooks," she gives Maya a sidelong glance, "no offense."

"I cook."

"Eh, you cook. Ish."

"That brownie thing in the fridge right now? _I_ made that," Maya reminds her. 

"Isn't that box mix though?" Vic asks, laughing when Maya gives her the finger. "Exactly."

"Whatever. You grew up in a restaurant and she grew up in Italy, I never stood a chance."

Vic just smiles as she swipes the last of the tiramisu and takes a sip of her drink.

The fridge hums, and from where Maya's sitting on the floor she can just make out a blurry 2:35 from the clock on the stove.

"What you said about Carina being our other roommate," Maya says, playing with the handle of her mug.

"Oh that? I mean, she's here enough. She's practically—"

"I think I want her to move in." Maya says this in one breath.

"Oh. Okay, cool." Vic drops her head on Maya's shoulder as she scrapes the last of the tiramisu with her finger, _"wait._ Does that mean I have to go?"

"What? Why would you move out? If anything, we would move out."

"That's reverse kicking me out!" Vic pinches Maya's leg, then looks ridiculously shocked when Maya pinches her back.

"I'm not kicking you out," Maya clarifies. "It was just a thought."

Vic says, with a precision that Maya recognizes as an attempt to sound something other than completely wasted, "haven't you got another, I don't know, six months before you're at moving in status?"

"You moved in with Jackson after what, a month of dating?" Maya counters.

"And that lead to the prompt disillusion of our relationship." 

"Right," Maya draws her knees up to her chest. "I know it's too soon. I just—I haven't been able to stop thinking about it."

"Y'know, it's kind of funny—"

"What, the fact that Carina would want to live with me?"

Vic lifts her head to squint at Maya. "Yeah, no. That definitely wasn't where I was going with that. Like, at all. Okay?"

Maya nods. She knows Vic was just reacting and didn't mean anything by it but her brain is tired and it's late. In the vacant quiet of the night everything seem stark, harsh. 

Her mind just wandered, as it so often does these days, to Carina.

They've been through a lot of shit this year, most of it because of Maya and her tremendous ability to self sabotage but she's working on it. 

She's working on a lot, and she no longer thinks the fact that Carina loves her is a lapse in judgement on her part. Carina knows exactly the kind of person Maya is. All the good but all the mess too, the parts she's tried to shove way, way down. Like how she's stubborn and a bad loser and not always forthcoming about how she feels. Carina knows this too and wants her not in spite of, but because of who she is.

It's a novel experience, being in this kind of relationship. 

Before Carina, her longest relationship was a four month sex fueled affair that fizzled out once both parties got bored. Maya wasn't particularly torn up about it. 

This thing with Carina is different; it's knowing another person and letting them in and she has stopped pretending it isn't exactly what she wants.

Maya's had more painfully honest conversations with Carina in the last few months than she's had with anyone, ever. 

The Jack thing(that's how Maya refers to it—in her head—Carina would prefer she not refer to it at all)  
caused a grand canyon sized rift between them. There were times she thought they wouldn't make it but they had and it's better, because they're both more honest and direct. 

Things are no longer fragile between them and it has been so good to settle into something calm and secure.  
  
But Maya wants more. It's been almost six months and Maya's never wanted more so she's not exactly sure how to go about asking for it. Or if she even has a right to, yet. 

Carina tends to lead—gently coaxing out the deep desires Maya had long since written off as 'not for her' but Maya wants this just as much, so she thinks Carina shouldn't always have to ignite things. 

A a quick tap on her knuckles from Vic's fork halts Maya's drunk ruminations and she tunes back into the conversation.

"...you get that she's just as gone as you are right?" Vic is saying. "Tell me you know that 'cause otherwise we give you way too much credit as Captain."

"I know," Maya says, trying to hide her smile by rolling her eyes.

"Good, 'cause I'm too drunk to do my supportive bestie bit right now," Vic jokes. "Really though—"

"I'm good, Vic." She is; she's drunk and exhausted and sitting on the cold kitchen floor with one of her best friends but she faced very real danger today and didn't die. She's more than good. 

Vic stretches, yawns. "Living with you is awesome. Seriously, you're half my impulse control. Without you, I would have bought that time share last week."

Maya laughs, "What person under 50 buys a time share? Also, when would you have had time to go?"

"See?" Vic nudges her, "impulse control. And Carina, other than being kinda perfect, is also the only person that actually talks theatre and art stuff with me. Well, she and Travis. But even he has his limit."

"Yeah I'm not much for the artsy theatre nerd stuff, either."

"Okay, one, there's more to it than that. Two, I'm the nerd, really? I heard you used to read comic books," Vic grins at Maya's narrowed eyes. "Carina might've let it slip."

"Damn, I swore her to secrecy." Maya shakes her head. "And they were graphic novels," she says under her breath.

"Sure they were. It's good though, your girlfriend is secretly as nerdy too, only she talks my ear off about actual science."

Maya grins. "She does know everything doesn't she? It's a little unfair because she's so beautiful you wouldn’t expect..." Maya trails off when she catches Vic's shit eating grin. "What?"

"See, this is what I was trying to say before. You used to be 'maya against monogamy' and now you're all, 'carina, stay with me forever in our bubble of hotness and gay love'."

"Fuck off," Maya snorts. "I've never, _ever_ said that in my life. Ever. You're ridiculous." 

"And super drunk," Vic adds, laughing. "I'm right though. You two? A little bit adorable."

Maya rolls her eyes, "no we're not, shut up." 

"You are though. It’s good," Vic says. "Just embrace the happy, dumbass. We should all embrace the happy, life is..." she shrugs.

Vic doesn't have to get into it, Maya can guess who she's talking about. It's been a really shitty year and a half for everyone, and Vic has bounced back but the loss and grief of it all, it creeps up on her—on all of them—sometimes. 

"A lot?" Maya finishes, catching Vic's eye.

Vic huffs, blinking fast. "Yeah. Yeah, life is a lot. So much. But sometimes, there's tiramisu," she yawns. "I think I'm about to fall asleep, now."

"Here?" 

"Mmhm."

"You'll hate yourself tomorrow for not heading to bed."

"The floor will realign my back."

"That's not how it works." Maya tries to stand but Vic is leaning on her heavily, already asleep.

Maya rolls her eyes at her snoring. "I'm waking you up in two minutes, Vic. I'm not sleeping on the floor."

Vic only slides down lower on Maya's shoulder, snores louder.

/

It's bright when Maya opens her eyes. 

Too bright.

The sun is high in the sky, casting long shadows on the floor; Maya's bedroom window must be open because she can feel sun rays, warm and fuzzy, beaming on her face. 

She tries to burrow deeper into her bed but strangely, her bed feels hard, cold.

Maya blinks, feels around and opens her eyes. She's on the floor. 

She's laying on the kitchen floor and her entire body aches when she moves. Opening her eyes wider, she winces as the sun attacks her corneas.

"Fuck, why is it so fuckin' bright," she groans, covering her face with her hands.

"Shhhh, Maya," Vic whispers, reaching out a hand. She delivers floppy uncoordinated pats to Maya's face, almost sticking a finger in her mouth.

"Everything hurts," Maya complains, shoving Vic off her.

"That's what happens when you spend all night on the floor," Carina says, suddenly coming into view above her. 

Maya reaches a hand out in Carina's general direction, smiles tiredly up at her. "Good morning."

Kneeling to kiss Maya's cheek, Carina shakes her head when Maya moves for a kiss on the lips.

"You smell like the floor of a bar," Carina says, tapping Maya's nose. "Both of you."

"My back," Vic whines, from the floor. "Why'd you let me sleep here, Maya?" 

"Let you? _You_ trapped me." 

"I need coffee, and my bed." Vic sniffs her shirt, "ugh and a shower."

"I can help with one of those," Carina says. "I got breakfast."

"You should've woken us up," Maya stands, stretches. "I would have come with you."

"But you looked so peaceful," Carina says, smiling when Maya makes a face at her. 

Hopping on the kitchen table, Maya hooks a leg around Carina's thighs, lightly kicking until Carina concedes. She closes the small gap between them and once she's close enough to touch, Maya's drapes her arms loosely around Carina's neck; she tries for a kiss but Carina only turns slightly to press a chaste peck on her cheek.

"You're really not going to kiss me?" Maya murmurs, pouting.

"Maybe after you brush your teeth," Carina says, hands going to Maya's waist. 

"This is real cute, but you mentioned breakfast?" Vic says, finally upright.

Carina points at the counter, where a large white paper bag dotted with grease stains is perched. "Breakfast sandwiches, two for each of you."

Vic swipes the bag, opens it and nods at the contents, "amazing."

"There's coffee too, I got that caramel thing you like, Vic."

Vic looks up from her food. "Dude," she says, making eyes at Carina, "I love our girlfriend."

"Get your own," Maya mumbles, face half buried in Carina's neck. 

Carina just laughs into Maya's hair, pulling them so they're flush against each other.

Maya pulls the now torn paper bag to her, takes out both sandwiches and offers one to Carina. 

"I had coffee," Carina says, shaking her head.

"Yeah, but this is actual breakfast," Maya keeps holding it out until she takes it. 

The sound of wax paper being unwrapped; the hum of appliances; the high pitched chirping of morning birds, filtering in the room, through the half opened sink window, they all fade into the background. The morning is already melting away, but Maya tries to hold on to this, to the sounds and warmth of home.

/

  
"Carina."

There's no answer.

Maya tries again, "Carina." 

Carina frowns a little at the article she's reading, flips a page and mouths some words.

 _"Carina,"_ Maya says, taking the pages out of her hand and tossing them on the center table. 

"Maya, I was reading."

"You've been reading for hours, I miss you," Maya says.

Carina's eyes soften and she opens her legs, pats the space between them, smiles as Maya crawls over and settles on her. 

"I know you have to do your research thing," Maya says, "but you're leaving for work in a couple of hours and—"

Maya's cut off as Carina takes her face in both hands and kisses her softly. 

"Hi," she says, pulling back.

"Hi," Maya smiles. 

"Does your head still hurt?" 

Maya shakes her head. "Pretty sure I ruined my liver, but the handful of advil I took are doing their job."

"You drank a lot," Carina says, a gentle observation. She shuffles until she's laying flat on the couch, pulling Maya down with her.

Maya sighs contentedly, looking up from where her head is pillowed on Carina's chest. "We got a little carried away with the celebrating." 

Maya doesn't usually drink that much, a beer or two is her usual limit; she likes to be clear headed, aware of her surroundings. 

Something about facing death and winning, though, it made her feel small, and she's not philosophical but questioning her place in the universe, that was a lot, so: tequila.

"I saw a video of the fire," Carina says quietly, after a moment. "It looked terrifying."

"Were you watching the news?"

"No, I get google alerts."

Maya looks up, "you do?"

Carina nods. "I know you always text me but I like having the extra information." Carina's hand in her hair pauses. "It took a very long time for the fire to go out."

"It was tough, but we had it under control the entire time," Maya says. "Almost. There was a moment where I was stuck on the 9th floor and everything was kind of raging around me, but I knew my team would find me." 

It was her first four alarm since getting back to work after her accident a few months ago, and it was exhilarating to be back in the midst of all the action again. 

Maya's been flippant—excited even, as she recalls last night, but she stops talking when Carina doesn't reply. 

She looks up and catches Carina's nose twitching. It's her one tell for when she's upset or doesn't like something but doesn't want to say it. 

"Carina," Maya puts a hand on her jaw, brushes her thumb across her cheek. "It's fine, nothing happened."

Carina nods, but her eyes are shining. She blinks up at Maya and tears catch on her eyelashes. 

Maya thumbs them away. "I know you're worried because I was hurt before, but that was a fluke. I'll be fine." 

"You could get hurt again, though.” Carina sighs. “With your job people get hurt, that's just reality."

They've had this conversation before, immediately after her accident and in the weeks following but clearly Maya needs to do better, if only the thought of her getting hurt brings Carina to tears. 

"My team is literally the best. That's not a joke, there are multiple articles calling us the best. And our rescue times are state level good, okay? Carina, they've got me."

Carina nods. "I know, I just keep thinking of you in that hospital bed and," Carina's voice is unsteady and she cuts herself off, turns her head to gaze out into the living room. 

Maya tucks a hand under Carina’s chin, gently turning Carina’s face so she looks at her again. 

"Hey," Maya says, "hey, look at me, I'm not going anywhere, okay? I'm just not."

Carina looks like she might say something but Maya keeps going.

"I know I shouldn't promise that, but I'm going to anyway. Staying alive and being with you," Maya reaches for Carina's hand, tangles it with hers, "that is my plan. I'm sticking around, okay?"

"Maya," Carina says, taking a deep breath. "Maya, you can't know that."

"Yes I can. Look, I'm amazing at my job, okay, just really good. And I'm kind of stubborn," Maya makes a face at herself and Carina gives her a tiny smile.

"I've always followed the rules but now that I have someone," Maya glances down, looks somewhere between Carina's lips and chin, "someone to come home to? No way I'm dying in some stupid fire. That's not part of the plan. Okay?"

"Okay," Carina exhales, "okay, Maya."

Maya thinks maybe she should say more but Carina fists a hand into the middle of her shirt and pulls her down for a kiss.

She opens her mouth, brushes her tongue against Maya's and tangles a hand into her hair.

"I'm here," Maya breathes, in-between messy kisses, "I'm right here."

Carina says something in Italian, it's quick and Maya wouldn't know what it is anyway but her voice is rough and her words settle low in Maya's stomach, molten. 

Carina shivers when Maya noses at her throat and nips at the skin just below her jaw. 

She soothes bites with quick darts of her tongue, pulls down the strap of Carina's tank to press kisses on her shoulder. 

Kissing her way down Carina's chest, she palms one of her breasts, grins at the low strangled sound Carina makes when she presses kisses down her stomach. 

Dropping a hand on Maya's head, Carina mumbles something when Maya tugs at her waistband. 

Maya pauses and looks up, takes in the red marks blossoming in the hollow of Carina's throat, on her chest. 

_"Vic,"_ Carina says, swallowing hard. "Vic is still home, we should go to your room."

Maya rests her chin on her hip and plays with the string on her shorts. "She's asleep, you know she sleeps like the dead."

"Still," Carina insists, smacking away Maya's wandering hands.

"Fine," Maya stands up, offers Carina her hand.

The moment they cross the threshold of the room, Maya pushes Carina up on the wall, lifts her up.

She knows what Carina likes and it's no longer strange to know one person this much, to be able to tell, by Carina's sighs and gasps, if she should go faster, that a hitch in her voice means more. She presses in close, speeds up her fingers between Carina's legs, swallows her gasps as she trembles and sighs her way into an orgasm.

Carina guides Maya to the bed, once she has full use of her legs again, reduces her to a mumbling mess, then cuddles into her and promptly falls asleep.

Maya watches Carina sleep, takes in the way her face smooths out; she's so beautiful, Maya doesn't ever think she'll ever really get used to it.

Maya aches with it, with love and care for this woman who is brave and brilliant and strikingly funny. Carina always meets her where she is with passion and understanding and Maya is so in love, she feels like everyone can tell, all the time.

She lets the feeling settle warmly around her, presses a ghost of a kiss at the corner of Carina's mouth, closes her eyes, and gives in to sleep.  
  


*

The farmer's market is crowded. The stands are close together and people are milling around, shoulder to shoulder.

Maya finds Amelia and Andy at a soap stand, watches as they hold up bars of soaps to their noses, make faces and gag.

She and Andy have been good for a while now, having finally talked everything out, months ago. 

Maya watches Andy hold out cash to the elderly cashier, thinks back to the first time she visited her at Sullivan's, extra early and oddly nervous, like she wasn't just going to visit her best friend.

  
//

  
_It was strange, knocking on Sullivan's door._

_Maya had been there before, once, to go over paperwork after his suspension. They'd talked shop but Andy wasn't there and it wasn't until she arrived, just as Maya was leaving, that she even remembered that they were still a thing._

_They hadn't really been talking back then, they'd made up but their conversations were stilted; polite but superficial._

_It wasn't until Maya snapped on her team a week after her breakup with Carina that Andy cornered her and they'd really gone at it._

_It was a loud conversation, neither of them willing to back off but in the end they were better for it._

_They’d properly made up and started meeting up again, mostly at Maya's or at the diner close to work, but this is the first time she'd come over._

_So far, their conversation had been light. They were sat in the backyard, on top of the deck, sharing a plate of springrolls and sipping on cold cider._

_Andy was sitting with her but she'd gotten a call from her mom and went inside when it started getting loud._

_Maya looks up as the sliding door clicks open._

_"That conversation just cost me two more therapy sessions," Andy says, dropping down heavily in the lawn chair. "Back to back."_

_"Things aren't great with your mom, huh? Are you guys still having dinner this weekend?"_

_"Next weekend," Andy says, leaning back in her chair. "She's explained and we've gone over everything. And I understand all the mental health stuff. I get the feeling trapped in her marriage stuff, even. I mean, I lived with Pruitt Herrera, I get it."_

_"But?"_

_"But god. Sometimes it's like—okay, remember the party at my Aunt Sandra's I told you about?"_

_"The one where Sullivan accidentally insulted her salad?"_

_Andy laughs, "yeah, that one. In his defense the lettuce was kinda wilted. Anyway, my mom and aunt were in the kitchen and I was watching them cook and it was just so fucking weird."_

_"Because on a normal day you would never willingly enter a kitchen?"_

_"Shut up," Andy smiles, goes on. "It was just like, a family thing and I felt so out of it. They were making my Abuela's arroz con gandule—it's this rice dish—so they're going over all these memories with this familiarity, and I'm just standing behind them knowing that I'm not really part of the picture."_

_Andy bites her lip. "My dad wasn't perfect but he's the one that stayed."_

_Maya hears the small crack in her voice and reaches out to squeeze her hand, quickly._

_"I love her and I'm grateful that she's back, but fuck, sometimes I still get so mad at her."_

_"I get that," Maya says. "Sometimes, and she doesn't mean to, but my mom will say something that'll just reveal how much she doesn't know me."_

_"Mine too. She asked if I was still into art once and I had to tell her that I haven't drawn cartoons since I was a kid."_

_"You used to draw cartoons? Like you'd make up stories?" Maya teases._

_"You'll never find out," Andy jokes, picking up her drink._

_"I bet it was all detailed too—"_

_"Anyway," Andy interrupts, shoving her._   
_She rolls her eyes when Maya doesn't even budge. "It was just weird. She keeps trying to reconnect by bringing up the past and even when she tries to know me now, it feels so hollow."_

_"Andy," Maya says, thinking carefully on her next words, "I'm no expert with moms. Really, I only started talking to mine maybe a month ago but..."_

_"You're pushing through because the relationship you'll get in the end is worth it?"_

_"Fuck no. I haven't replied to her texts in days."_

_Andy raises her eyebrows. "Really?"_   
  
_"Listen, this shit is new to both of us and yeah, rebuilding relationships isn't a one way street but they're the parents," Maya says. "We might be adults now but we're still their kids; they didn't do what they were supposed to and now we're picking up the pieces. We set the boundaries."_

_Andy just stares at her for a moment, then nods, slow. "Two things. One, you need to write that down for me, seriously, and two, I need your therapist's number. If that's the kind of stuff they're telling you then I need to switch like yesterday."_

_"What's wrong with your person?"_

_"He's okay, but I sometimes I think he only tells me what I wanna hear."_

_"Mine's tough as hell. Our first session was both of us just silently staring at each other."_

_Andy's eyes widen. "What?"_

_"I was pissed that I was even there so I didn't speak for the whole 50 minutes."_

_"Wasn't it awkward?"_

_"Nope. I'm used to silences, I thought I was proving something? It was stupid, she called me out on it in the end, asked if I was done 'being childish and ready to do the work'."_

_"And you went back?"_

_"Oh yeah, she's great. That showed me that she wouldn't take my shit you know? I mean, if I'm paying for her mortgage, I need her to actually fix me."_

_"You're not broken, Maya," Andy says, narrowing her eyes._

_Maya smiles, bumps their shoulders. "I know. I've just gotten used to saying it."_

_"Well, say something else."_

_"Okay, okay," Maya picks up her drink and takes a sip. "Back to your mom though, think you need some time away?"_

_Andy nods. "Yeah, I do. Sometimes being with her is just this huge reminder that my dad's gone, and I'm working through stuff with him too, but I miss him."_

_"I get that," Maya says, looking out onto the grass. "Sometimes I want to tell my dad something then I remember we don't do that anymore."_

_"Shit, Maya, I wasn't—"_

_"No, you're fine." Maya sighs, "I hate that I even miss him at all, it's not worth it."_

_"Have you seen him since?" Andy asks, sitting up. She's looking down at the plate of food, not at Maya, and she's grateful for it._

_They'd talked about it, the day her dad showed up at the call and did what he did. Mostly, they've been short conversations that end in Andy going 'fuck that guy.'_

_"He threatened to show up at my place a couple of weeks ago," Maya says._

_Andy looks up, sharply. "What? You never told me that. Why didn't you tell me that?"_

_"You were still in the middle of Sullivan stuff. I didn't want to add to it. Also, even thinking about it still makes me want to break something."_

_"Maya—"_

_"It's fine. He called me a bunch and after the last call I told him that if he ever actually showed up I would call the cops. Go all the way and get a restraining order, even." Maya pauses._

_Saying that to her father had felt like an out of body experience._

_It wasn't what she wanted and she doesn't actually know if she would have gone through with it but she'd needed to say it. He just wasn't going to stop and she had to let him know that she was done giving him access to her, that there would be no further communication on either end._

_"Did it work?"_

_"Yeah. Above all, my dad is a coward. He never tries it with anyone his else, just his family," Maya says bitterly, her heart like stone in her chest._

_"Fuck him," Andy sets down her drink. "You don't have to hate him, if you can't, yet. I'll do it for you."_

_Maya huffs a dry laugh, feels the tightness in her chest give a little. "I called Carina, it was fine."_

_Andy relaxes. "That's good, I'm glad she was there."_

_"Me too," Maya says, smiling softly despite the topic._

_Carina had came over and after accidentally teaching Maya all the Italian swearwords, laid next to her on the bed while Maya silently contemplated just up and leaving. It was her home, but still._

_Her father was always going to be the worst part of her history, the one bit she couldn't rewrite, and she was doing the work, was starting to understand that all the things he put her through was his shit, and mostly the fury about that only simmered, never reached the surface._

_But that day, after she'd spoken to him she'd felt raw, like she'd been split open and everyone could see._

_Carina could see, and that made Maya want to run._

_As they lay on the bed, close but not touching, Maya had thought about how she never let anyone get close enough to actually see her, about how her father punished her for caring until she didn't dare, anymore._

_She thought about that, felt a heaviness threaten overwhelm her and pushed it away, redirected. She focused on what she wanted and not just what she was used to._

_What Maya wanted was Carina, so she searched for her hand, let their fingers entwine as she looked up at the ceiling._

_Maya knows she has some stupidly smitten look on her face as she thinks back on the day and takes a sip of her drink to try to diffuse it but when she looks up, Andy's giving her a look._   
  
_"You have a girlfriend, now."_

_"Are you going to say that every time? You've met her now, you're friends, I've seen your texts. You need to stop telling her stories about me, by the way."_

_"Never," Andy grins. "She's really great, Maya."_

_"Yeah, she is." Maya says, thinking about how she almost ruined everything all those months ago._

_She thinks about Carina pulling away from kisses and never sleeping over, of quiet dinners that almost always ended halfway through. She thinks about the day Carina told her she broke her heart, and how she fought—is fighting—really hard to make sure she never has a reason to say those words again._

_"It was rough there for a while but you're good, right? Or is old stuff coming up?"_

_"Nah. The whole telling a stranger my issues thing is really weird but I want better for myself. And her, I don't want her to be scared to love me or think I'm going to hurt her when I'm scared. Like before."_

_Andy takes a bite of a spring roll. "That wasn't your finest moment. Actually it was your shittiest one, I think."_

_They've talked about that too, Andy mostly made a lot of disbelieving sounds, and there had been a joke in there about both of them having slept with Jack again, but neither was drunk enough to make it._

_"Definitely a moment of brokenness."_

_Andy shrugs. "No. You're not broken and I'm going keep telling you, maybe we'll tattoo it on your forehead." She looks up thoughtfully, "you were definitely a little sprained though, I'll give you that."_

_Maya grins, nods. "Fine, sprained."_

_"But honestly, who isn't? Seriously Maya, we're all just trying."_

_"Yeah," Maya draws up her knees and loosely wraps her arms around them, "I just really want this to work, she's already my favourite person."_

_Andy gives her a familiar smile, it's the 'you're being cute right now but I won't say it because I know you'll roll your eyes,' one._

_"Kind of thought I was one of your favourite people but, okay."_

_Maya laughs and reaches over to finish Andy's drink. "You're like, top 10."_

_"Top_ 10?" _Andy says, incredulous._

_"Top 5?" Maya corrects, snickering at Andy's frown._

_"Wow, ok. I'm not even going to ask who else is on the list. It's probably just Carina a bunch of times."_

_"Shut up," Maya says, laughing._

_"So, I'm right?"_

_Maya rolls her eyes. "Let's focus on you. How's marriage, how's your battalion chief?"_

_"You know I don't actually call him that, right? He's just Robert to me."_

_"Yeah, I'm literally never going to call him that," Maya takes a sip of her drink, "really though, how's he doing with the suspension?"_

_"He has his good days. He's been meditating a lot now, so I've been taking a lot of deep breaths"_

_"That sounds... cleansing."_

_Andy scoffs, "that's one word for it. Mostly it's a lot of huffing lavender."_

_"Ugh, I hate lavender. Smells like old people and funerals." Maya glances at Andy. "And meditation? No thanks, I'll take a nice brisk walk any—"_

_Maya stops when Andy suddenly pitches towards her, wrapping her in a quick hug. She holds on for a second, then moves back, with a warm smile. "I missed you so much," she says._

_"Me too. Promise we'll never lose us to stupidity again."_

_"Yeah, deal."_

_They watch the sunset quietly. Andy offers Maya the last of the spring rolls and when she takes the dishes away she comes back with a blanket. She drapes it over both of them._

_"Tell me more about things with Robert," Maya says. "No sex stuff though, I think you marrying him might've signaled the end of our sex talks."_

_Andy rolls her eyes, "missing you less as you keep talking."_

_Maya laughs, "you love me."_

  
//

  
Andy looks up and notices Maya, waves her over.

"So, when you said 'a day out,'" Maya says, "I thought we would be doing something more active."

Amelia raises her eyebrows, "active?"

Andy rolls her eyes. "She means hiking or running or pushing a boulder across the street, something that makes you sore and sweaty." 

Amelia snorts, "oh, no, no way, I don't sweat. And don't you two get enough exercise doing the hero thing at work?" 

"We do," Andy says. "Maya's the only one who thinks exercising is a good time, the rest of us are sane."

Maya shrugs, "it's not that I'm not having fun, I love looking at overpriced vegetables, really. It’s just so slow."

"I'm having fun," Andy says, "I found blue honey. Robert's been on this sugar free kick but I think this will convince him to give it up."

Maya frowns. "Blue honey?"

"Yeah, that guy over there has a whole selection. Cinnamon honey, sunflower honey, even vegan honey, which, according to Amelia is just apples?"

"It is," Amelia confirms.

"Cool," Maya says, "but next day out? We're pushing that boulder across the street."

Amelia and Andy snicker, and Amelia hands her a piece of her pretzel.

"Eat," she orders.

Maya pops the whole thing in her mouth and leans on the edge of the soap stall, scans the grounds for Carina.

"She's over there," Amelia says, nodding towards a booth in the back.

Maya turns, sees Carina chatting with the guy manning the booth. He's a tall man who's running his hands through his hair too many times and smiling way too hard, like his dimples aren't already obvious. 

"He reminds me of someone," Amelia says. "Clooney?" 

Maya scoffs, "please."

Andy glances at him, then back at Maya and grins, slyly, "nah, he looks like that one guy, he was a superhero, James somebody?"

"Marsden?"

"That's it."

Amelia catches Maya's frown, smirks, "yeah, him for sure, I can see it." 

Maya rolls her eyes, ignoring Amelia and Andy's cackles as she walks over to Carina. 

  
"Hi," Maya says, placing a hand on Carina's back.

Carina turns and smiles at her, moves closer. "Theo was telling me about beekeeping."

"Was he?"

The smile she gives him isn't her most convincing but it doesn't matter; he doesn't take his eyes off Carina.

"Did you know bees don't have lungs? He was explaining the whole thing."

"Fun," Maya says, turning away from the stall. "There's a booth back there selling those mini donuts you like. We should get some."

Carina narrows her eyes, looks between Maya and the guy, amused. 

"You have to go?" Theo sounds disappointed, glancing at Maya like he's only just realized she's there. "Oh, hi."

Maya rolls her eyes.

"You should take some honey. This one has lavender, it's something new I'm trying." He holds out a large mason jar to Carina, "it's gotten great reviews so far."

Carina takes it, hands it to Maya and reaches for her purse. "How much—"

"No charge, it's a sample jar," Theo waves her off. 

It doesn't look like a sample jar to Maya, but she doesn't say anything.

Smiling politely, Carina says thanks and takes Maya's hand. 

Theo glances at their joint hands, then up at Maya, blushing when it finally clicks.

"Thanks again for the honey," Maya adds, smug.

"Of course," he nods, leans back into the stall. "Yeah, let me know how you like it."

They exchange polite smiles and walk away.

"That was good of him," Carina says, tapping the lid of of the jar. 

"I hate lavender," Maya makes a face. "Honey is already good, it doesn't need add-ons."

"He was nice," Carina allows.

"Hm? Didn't notice."

"No?" Now, Carina's got that almost-smile that she gets whenever she thinks Maya is doing something extremely amusing. It blooms the more Maya scowls until she's full on grinning, on the verge of a laugh. 

"Nope," Maya wraps both hand around her back, tugs until they're pressed up together. "I guess he was okay," she says, "if you're into the tall, clean cut kinda vibe."

Carina does laugh now, a short golden noise. "I thought you didn't notice."

"I didn't." 

"You're cute," Carina says, leaning down to press a kiss on the corner of her mouth. 

Maya pulls her back down, kisses her properly and tightens her hands at Carina's waist. "I wasn't jealous," she mumbles against Carina's lips, "he was pretentious."

Carina kisses her nose, still smiling. "Jealous."

"Pretentious," Maya insists. "Artisanal honey? Yeah, whatever."

"It's good stuff," Amelia says loudly, interrupting.

Amelia and Andy are behind them suddenly, holding matching jars of honey.

"You guys got more?"

"He gave us a discount," Andy holds up her bag. "He was really nice."

"He was. Didn't you think so Maya?" Amelia asks, grinning.

"I think," Maya says, ignoring the bait, "we should check out the other stalls." 

/

After, when they've walked through the birkenstocked crowd and looked at as many vegetables as they can stand, they say their goodbyes and Maya and Carina cram into a car and head back home.

The sun has set and it's cold enough now that Maya takes Carina up on her offer of tea. 

While the kettle warms, Carina opens the new honey and hands Maya a spoon across the kitchen counter. "Try it," she says.

Maya takes the tiniest possible scoop and licks at the edge of the spoon. 

"How is it?" 

"The worst," Maya says, dipping her spoon back into the jar. "I hate it so much."

Carina narrows her eyes, amused. "Do you want to split the jar?" 

_"Please."_

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a little(ha) addition. almost fully written, hoping splitting it into chapters makes for better flow but we'll see ig. trying this hot new thing called 'proofreading' and 'editing'.


	2. lovers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Carina doesn't even need to ask—it's like Maya just reacts to her—she's invested.

' _here comes the sun, and I say_  
 _It's all right_ .'

\- **the beatles**

-

  
Moonlight is peaking through the bedroom curtain, soft and dim and just enough to make out the ruffled duvet on the bed.

Maya expects a Carina shaped lump to be on the left side, covered up to her head by the duvet, but other than a few pillows tossed near the edge there's no sign of life.

Maya's phone glows up at her: 11PM; usually Carina would already be in bed but sometimes she goes out on the balcony when she can't sleep. She doesn't do it often, but when she does, she takes a cup of tea out there with her, leans on the railing and watches the city below pass her by, sometimes even staying to catch the the eventual sunrise. 

Once, she told Maya that she missed the noise of her old city and Maya had never thought of Seattle as particularly quiet, but Carina had come from Lisbon—she had lived in right the heart of the city— and compared to that, maybe Seattle isn't the most exciting. Seattle is a good kind of different, a calm and balanced difference, is what Carina had told Maya in regards to Portugal. 

She hadn't needed to say anything else, her gentle, 'Seattle, is home to me, Maya,' had indirectly given Maya the reassurance she hadn't known she needed. She hadn't voiced it but the thought of whether Carina was going to be staying in town permanently had been lurking in the back of her mind since they got back together. 

  
In the months since then, Carina's place has become almost as familiar to Maya as her own apartment. Her studio loft is closer to the station and other than Carina, it has the added bonus of privacy and actual food in the fridge .

Maya peeks out from the bedroom, sees blurry movement through the sliding doors leading to the balcony. Her guess as to where Carina is finally confirmed, she ducks into the bathroom for a quick shower and changes into sleep clothes when she's done. 

Grabbing the sweater hanging from behind the bedroom door, Maya shrugs it on and pads across the loft to join Carina outside. 

Carina is sitting on the swing, one foot placed firmly on the ground, speaking rapid low Italian and gesturing back and forth with the hand that isn't holding her phone.

She looks up when Maya enters, flashes her a weak smile then immediately goes back to her conversation, frowning. Her face is drawn and even from the doorway Maya can see the bags under her eyes. 

Maya doesn't know what she's saying but she can guess. 

Last week, Carina's grandmother Livia had a heart attack. With work and the other OB away on leave, Carina couldn't go back home. She's been getting daily updates from her father's sister, her aunt Dona but she's not so great with the texts and Carina's cousins are supposed to help but they're useless according to her.

Carina's voice goes high and she runs a hand through her hair, biting on a nail. It's one of her few ticks, along with excess baking when she can't sit still, filling the fridge to the brim with sweets. 

Maya watches her for a moment, mouths 'you okay?' when Carina's eyes flicker over to her but Carina just draws her eyebrows together, too deep in the conversation to really notice. 

She sits back down on the swing, says something fast, then lets out a deep sigh and hangs up. The expression on her face when she looks up from her phone is sad, so sad that Maya immediately thinks something terrible—the worst— has happened. Livia has died, she thinks and she's across the balcony in two steps, opening her arms and wrapping them around Carina when she leans into her embrace. 

"She's okay," Carina is half muffled, most of her her face buried in Maya's sleep shirt. "My grandma's okay."

Maya takes Carina's face in her hands and runs a thumb across her jaw, "What happened?" 

"She lost some motor function and they're still running some tests, but she's alive." Carina's voice cracks on the last word and tears spring into her eyes. 

"Hey, no," Maya wipes her tears with her thumbs, "baby, it's okay. She's okay, that's good."

"Maya," Carina breaths, low and wet and desolate; her voice is rough, brown eyes rimmed red and wide. "She's so old. And she's not fine, not really. She's alive but..." she doesn't finish, wiping at her face instead, trying to stop the tears already spilling from her eyes.

Maya pulls Carina back to her, wraps tight arms around her body and kisses the top of her head. She can feel Carina's tears wetting her neck, even though Carina doesn't really make a sound. 

"I'm sorry," Maya swallows against restlessness at the fact that she can't make this better, "I'm so sorry." 

Carina doesn't withdraw when she's upset, not like Maya does. She expresses her emotions fully and without shame and it's something Maya is always in awe of, this careful trust Carina always puts in her. 

They stay like that for a while, Carina folding so she's laying with head in Maya's lap as Maya runs a gentle hand down her back, until her sobs turn into sniffles.

Maya doesn't know Livia all that well but they've had a few conversations over video chat. The most memorable one was their very first conversation, when Maya had unknowingly walked into a video call one late morning, half dressed and sleepy. She had seen Livia on the computer a second too late, ducking behind the couch in record time. 

Carina had calmly told her to stand, then explained who she was to her very curious grandmother. Having Carina translate back and forth was a little weird, but it also wasn't, because Maya had next to no experience with meeting parents slash grandparents so she just went with it.

Livia is loudly blunt and funny, and the closest thing Carina has to a parent; Maya knows that her dying will hurt Carina deeply and she wishes she could help more, actually do something for her.

Carina lets out a soft little sigh, pulls back to look up at Maya. Her eyes are clear but her chest is flushed, the way it gets when she's really upset and Maya ducks down, presses a kiss just above her heart then one above her collarbone and another on her neck. She slowly kisses her way back up to her mouth, barely there kisses that are less about the action and more of a reminder that she's there; solace. 

Carina sighs when she kisses her on the mouth, brings her hands up to wrap around her neck, keeping Maya close.

"You wanna head to bed?" Maya tries, running a hand through Carina's hair. 

She feels Carina nod and takes her hand to pull her up. It's dark in the loft with only the stove light on, but Maya knows her place well enough that they find their way back to the bedroom without incident. 

Maya turns the lights on when they enter, gazing at Carina who drops onto the bed, on top of the covers. Her nose is red and she's clutching a pillow, rubbing at her eyes.

Carina isn't weak by any means but Maya is is almost startled by the protective urge that jolts through her. Draped on the bed, Carina looks vulnerable and young and very human.

Maya practically climbs on top of her, reaches an arm out to loop around her entire body, and Carina is sort of squashed against her but she doesn't move away, just presses in closer and tucks her head under Maya's chin. 

Maya reaches out blindly on the bed, finding the covers and pulling it over both of them. 

"How can I help," she asks, voice loud in the room. "What do you need?"

It's clumsy, and maybe a little stupid; short of healing Livia, she knows there's nothing Carina wants right now but Carina is the talker, between the both of them and that's never been Maya's thing but lately, she finds she doesn't mind trying. 

Shuffling a bit, Carina tugs Maya's arms tighter around herself, "just stay?" she asks. 

Maya nods, even though Carina's eyes are already closed. 

"My nonna is the strongest person I know," Carina says, nosing into Maya's chest. "I know she's old and that she's sick but I never thought," Carina sits up suddenly, face red as the tears silently stream down her face. " _Oh_."

She lets herself be pulled back into Maya's arms, goes easily when she repositions them so she's cocooned between her and all oversized the pillows she keeps on her bed. Maya holds her tight, whispers soothing words she feels aren't enough, plays her fingers through Carina's hair, tries to chase away the darkness with her presence.

Carina half turns and tilts her head up for a kiss. She's laying the other way so the angle is off but Maya kisses her anyway, yields to Carina's mouth on hers and brings a hand up to her cheek, wiping away already drying tears.

Carina blinks up at her tiredly, sighs, "she used to say that she was... oh I don't know the english word for it, it's—unkillable, it's like that." 

"You wanna talk about it?"

"Yes?" Carina says, then more firmly, "yes, but not tonight. Can we just?" Carina exhales, and Maya understands.

"Yeah, we can," Maya says, shuffling so Carina's settled between her and the pillows again. 

Carina nods once, then closes her eyes, relaxes back into Maya's arms. It takes a while but her breathing evens out and her face goes soft. Maya runs a hand through her hair, lightly, as to not wake her up.

Carina tells her a lot. Right from the start, it was like she trusted Maya with her heart and all the little bits and pieces of herself but even now, she mostly tries to tell Maya the good parts.

The harsher memories are always sandwiched between a better story, like a sketchy pitstop, before the end of a really good journey. 

Carina never lingers too long in those memories and when she talks about it she doesn't really speak with any sort of bitterness or blame but Maya knows pain intimately, and she can always pick up of the ache and resignation in her voice. 

She's always a little more reserved when she speaks about her childhood. Like Maya, she grew up with a tyrant who subjected his family to his inarticulate anger but unlike Maya, someone came and saved her.

It was almost three years after her mother left before any of the other family stepped in; they never quite bought that Vincenzo DeLuca was as far gone as his wife claimed. Carina had told Maya that it had taken a manic episode when she was eight, for the family to finally grasp the gravity of the situation.

In the midst of his mania, Vincenzo had decided to take an excursion into the city, leaving Carina alone for almost ten days. 

It wasn't the first time she had been left to her own devices and for a few days she was fine. 

Or as fine as an eight year old could be, alone. She ate the cookies he left in his office, because that was the only thing in the house that that didn't need to be cooked, but when he still hadn't come back by the fifth day, she pushed a chair up to the cupboard and took down a can of pasta sauce, tried to open it with a butter knife. When that didn't work, she fished out their old can opener and tried to use it.   
  
She hadn't ever used a can opener before, and she ended up cutting her hand. It wasn't deep but it wouldn't stop bleeding and, scared of getting in trouble, Carina had finally called her grandmother. 

Livia showed up, took one look around the house and decided that her granddaughter would be living with her, for the foreseeable future. 

Her father fought his mother halfheartedly, citing that she was upheaving Carina but when Livia offered to move in with them instead so Carina could stay in the house she grew up in, he declined her offer.

By the end of the year Carina was fully transplanted in her grandmother's home and she saw her father maybe 5 times a year, if at all. 

Carina tells her this in bits and pieces, the beginning of the story coming out one night when she was teaching Maya how to make marinara, ' _like this, maya, watch the heat'_ she said, going between the tale and the recipe.

It wasn't all bad, she told Maya about the joy in her grandmother's house, how she wasn't forced to be quiet anymore, how her older cousins fawned over her. She was the youngest girl and she hated being babied but she also ended up the only one with her own room.

Maya knows all this, and she treasures every little bit of herself that Carina shares with her, even the things she knows Carina thinks are insignificant, like the way she can't eat anything with peas on it or how she needs music on in the background when she's home alone or that heavy cases with older mothers always make her cry, especially when the babies don't make it. 

Maya thinks it's a little bit amazing that Carina turned out so kind and loving and didn't let the world harden her, that she kept being light and wonderful even when the main person meant to care for her refused to acknowledge or see her. 

Livia saw her; she took her in and cared for beyond the the expectations of a grandmother and Maya wishes that somehow Carina could have more time with her.

The world isn't fair, Maya knows this, she knows this well enough that she can write a dissertation: 'Life, the worst Thing to ever happen to the Living.' She _knows_ this but sometimes she wishes things were different, tries to will life into being just a little bit fair and good, especially to children.

It takes another hour for Maya to fall asleep, too lost in her thoughts to let her body relax. 

  
/

Three days later, Carina is still out of sorts. 

Her grandmother is doing better, she's regained more of her motor functions and will be able to make a full recovery, despite what the doctors initially thought. 

It's good news and Carina had told Maya over a FaceTime date, smiling widely in her office as she ate her lunch. 

The news had lifted her mood for about a day, but then she'd gone quiet. She's not quite sad but she's had this little crease in her eyebrow for days and when she thinks Maya isn't looking she sort of sags in on herself.

Maya wants to fix it. 

Maya, was up for hours last night researching—a terrible idea, she was _exhausted_ at work today—but she couldn't help it. She was researching heart attacks and plane rides and blood pressure because apparently that's important to consider when you're old and flying 5000 miles from Italy to Seattle. 

She scrolled until her eyes burned from the bright screen but in the end it was a waste. She’d decided against buying Carina's grandmother a plane ticket because other than the insane prices, Livia's really is too sick to fly and Carina is too busy; she wouldn't actually get to spend any time with her. Grand gestures aren't really Maya's thing, anyway. 

Maya has, though, gotten pretty good at small carefully planned gestures. She always rolled her eyes at things like that but since Carina, she's become a person who does 'things like that' and it would bother her, how mild she's gotten, but Carina lights up every time she tries and that more than makes up for it. 

The thing is, Carina is sad and Maya wants to fix it. She's spent half her shift thinking of ways to make her feel better and since she can't physically bring Carina's grandmother to her, she figures just starting with a better day might be good.

She also thinks Carina needs a break from thinking about her grandmother for a bit. Livia's better, but her sickness only highlighted the fact that her days are numbered. It's a crass way to put it but it's the truth. In a few years she'll be gone and Carina knows that; lately, after their phone calls Carina is quietly brittle for about an hour or so, burying herself in work. That's _Maya's_ thing and it's not so fun, being on the other side and watching the person you love run herself ragged. 

That is why Maya's currently trying to finish her paperwork as fast as possible. 

It's late autumn, basically winter but it's been unseasonably warm this week—thank you global warming—so Maya thinks her idea might work. Carina's shift is over but according to the latest text from Amelia, she's still at the hospital going over patient charts. Maya just needs to hurry up and leave so she can grab some food and wine and meet Carina at the hospital. 

It's not anything big but it involves something Carina likes and she hasn't smiled—not a real one, where her eyes almost disappear and her nose scrunches up—in days. Maya kind of loves that smile(she's told awful, terrible puns, just to see Carina smile and let out a huff of laughter). It's a little ridiculous what she's willing to do when Carina looks at her like that but it's also not a real problem. Carina doesn't even need to ask, Maya's just invested so she'll do whatever—even sappy—if that's what it takes. 

She just isn't going to tell anyone about it, is all. It's not like it's their business, anyway.   
  


The door to Maya's office clicks open, and she doubles her efforts to finish, knowing a distraction is on its way.

"What's the hurry?" Andy says, as she barges right in.

"Plans. Carina. Gotta go." It's hardly coherent and so much for keeping it to herself but she has to leave and the words are starting to blur on the pages. 

"You're blowing off work for a date?" 

"No I'm—yes. Carina's been kinda down lately so I wanna take her out, see if it'll help."

Andy honest to god aw's at her and Maya would give her the finger but she's too busy filling out forms to try. She keeps talking even though Maya's only half listening and when Vic barrels into her office too, Andy updates her. 

Vic says, "should I be out of the apartment tonight?" and then starts telling Andy all about the "amazingly thin walls," in their place.

They're a being extremely obnoxious but their good-natured jibes actually give Maya another idea.

"Hey Vic," Maya says, interrupting her, "can I borrow your car?"

Vic stops detailing the in and outs of their home to Andy and raises her eyebrows. "You want my truck?"

"Yeah, you can take my car and we'll switch back home."

"Uh, okay. Why though? Your car is way nicer than mine."

"Yours has more space.

"Space?" Vic says. "Space for what?"

"We're going to the Broadstone and it'll be better if we can sit outside."

"Fine," Vic nods. "But no car sex."

Maya rolls her eyes. "We don't actually have sex all the time, you know?" 

Vic just blinks at her, blank faced. "I'm so serious Maya, my car is a sanctuary. Okay? No. Sex." She punctuates this with a glare and Maya wants to laugh a little, but she knows Vic loves her old truck an insane amount so she just nods.

"No sex," Maya says, then because she can't resist, she smirks, "is over the shirt stuff okay, or?"

"Maya, I swear to _god_."

  
/

The parking lot is full and it takes a while to find a spot, Maya rushing into a middle spot just as a small honda vacates it. 

She's about halfway up the north staircase, on her way to Carina's office when she spots her from the third floor window, standing in line at the coffee cart in the yard.

  
"What are you doing here?" Carina says, when Maya finally makes her way down.

Maya presses a kiss to her cheek, "I'm stealing you away for lunch."

Carina smiles, confused, "aren't our reservations for dinner?" 

"We _had_ dinner reservations." Maya says. "I cancelled. And also, you don't have any patients, you're just doing paperwork. Amelia snitched."

"I did," Amelia says, looking up from her phone. "She bribed me with jelly donuts. You know the ones." 

Carina rolls her eyes at Amelia, then turns to Maya with a half smile. "What are you up to?"

"You'll see." 

  
/

  
The tiny Bluetooth speaker is shitty on a normal day, but with the rain it's almost impossible to hear.

It was cloudy on the drive over and Maya held out hope that it wouldn't rain but not even twenty minutes after they parked, it started coming down. Hard. 

It hasn't really rained on them since they're inside the car still but Maya wanted this to be bright and cheery.

Rain clouds are _not_ bright and cheery.

They're the exact opposite, but the plus side is with the season and the flash rain the drive-in is mostly deserted. 

The plan was to share the wine and food Maya picked up, while they sat in the bed of Vic's truck, watching the movie as the sun set. Then sun has set and it's nearing dusk, the sky a mix of deep pinks and oranges but the rain has ruined the 'sit outside' part and Maya doesn't feel like passing food back and forth from the front seat of Vic's car.

The one bright spot is this is that Carina seems to be having a genuinely good time, despite it all.

She's been talking about going to the drive-in for ages, has wanted to try it out since they built it last year but she never could find the time. Usually she doesn't care for the type of movies they play but it's Friday, and that's when they put on the oldies. 

Maya hadn't expected those saccharine, formulaic movies to be Carina's kind of thing; her favourites are international 3 hour sagas with subtitles that she's always trying to convince Maya will be fun but it turns out grainy, bright old timey films are Carina's guilty pleasure. 

Maya had come home from work late one day thinking Carina would be asleep but she'd been up watching some old movie where they all spoke in deep transatlantic accents. 

They were something she would watch with her grandmother, is what Carina told Maya the second time she found her watching another one late one night. She hadn't had so much variety on TV growing up and once they'd gotten cable, Carina found the movies had become a sort of comfort thing for her and watched them anyway.

She'd talked Maya into finishing it with her and it wasn't the worst, but Maya prefers her movies to be a little less sweet and a little more loud. And also in HD. 

The film at the drive-in that's being projected on the side of the building is remastered though, as part of this film culture thing the city puts on in the fall. 

The park is quiet and sometimes people sit out under the trees but with the rain, the few cars around are all parked on the grass, instead.

The rain has since stopped but it's still cloudy and they haven't had a chance to leave the car or eat, even.   
  
"Stop frowning," Carina says, not looking away from the screen. She's reclined on her seat, as far back as it will go, watching Doris Day sneak her way into Paul Newman's house, dressed as a maid. 

"I'm not," Maya lies. "But it was supposed to be sunny, we were going to eat outside. I planned it out, I was—" 

"Trying to make me feel better," Carina says, smiling; it's not her usual, but almost. "I know." 

"It was supposed to be a whole thing." 

"It can still be a thing," Carina points outside the window, "it's stopped raining."

Maya glances at the window, and while it isn't coming down anymore, it's still cloudy. It's still pretty warm though, so maybe she can salvage this. "You wanna try sitting outside? It'll be a little wet but Vic keeps tons of blankets in the back."

"And if it gets really cold we can squish together for warmth." Carina finishes, with a lazy smile.

"Great idea," Maya says, already climbing in the back to get the food.

It takes a moment for them to situate themselves; Maya turns the car around, then lays out the blankets and food. Vic really does have a lot of blankets and Maya silently thanks her for being such a little hoarder because she's saved their date. 

Carina slithers from the back seat, through the back window to the rear of the truck, giggling when she plops inelegantly onto Maya, who lifts the bottle of wine above her head as to not drop it.

"I've never watched a movie from the back of a truck before," Carina says, stealing a kiss and settling into Maya's lap. 

"No one else has dragged you out in the rain and forced you to sit on damp blankets?" Maya says. She drops the hand not holding the wine onto the small of Carina's back. "Weird. It's so classy," Maya smiles when Carina laughs, and it's a quiet one, but she's getting there.

"No," Carina says, "it's usually just fine dining. With wine, lots of wine."

"I have wine," Maya says, holding up the bottle. "And pastries and fruit and lots of smelly cheese so it's almost like a restaurant. If you squint." 

"I can see that," Carina scoots over to the middle of the blanket, dragging the basket with her as she comes back to where Maya's sat in the back. "You really planned this, didn't you?"

"I tried, but I didn't get everything on my list. The deli near the station didn't have that almond thing you like and I didn't want you to miss the beginning. I know you love this movie—"

Maya is interrupted by Carina taking her face in her hands and kissing her for a long moment, sweet and gentle and not really leading to anything. She forgets what she was saying.

"Thank you for kidnapping me from work today," Carina mumbles, scratching lightly at the baby hairs at the back of Maya's scalp.

"It wasn't the most thought out plan, I didn't factor in the rain. Which is a little dumb," Maya admits, "I mean, it's Seattle I should have known."

Carina leans back in to press a quick kiss on Maya's cheek. "Maya it's fine. It's better than fine, it's wonderful. And I don't mind a little rain." 

"Really?" 

"Really," Carina says, sitting up. She reaches around Maya for the basket, rooting around until she finds the container of half cut strawberries, and holds one out to Maya. 

Maya just opens her mouth and lets Carina feed her even though she thinks it's annoying when she sees other couples do it. Maybe she's a little bit of a hypocrite, what can she say.

Idly telling Maya about her day, Carina tries to get Maya to pay attention to the movie as it reaches the second act. Popping the last strawberry into her mouth, she tries to climb off Maya to grab more food but Maya stops her with a hand on her thigh.

"Stay," she says, "you're warm." 

"Okay," Carina says, wrapping a hand around Maya's shoulders and balancing more comfortably in her lap. "But actually watch the movie and not me."

"I am," Maya says, glancing at the screen for the first time since they came out. "I especially like how he and his girlfriend dress alike." 

"That's his sister," Carina corrects, rolling her eyes when Maya just shrugs.

Carina taps a tiny bit of cream from the éclair she's holding on Maya's chin as punishment for not paying attention but Maya just licks it away. "More," she says, licking a stray bit of cream from Carina's lip. 

Carina laughs and kisses her messily, tasting sweet and light and delicious. 

Pulling away, she offers Maya her half of the pastry then moves so she's sitting with her back flat on the rear panel, with Maya resting on her, her head on Carina's chest. 

That's how they sit to view the rest of the movie, Maya actually becoming interested once the main love interest is revealed to be a con artist. Carina is riveted, only turning away to take sips of wine(from the bottle, Maya forgot to grab cups)with her hand getting progressively lower on Maya's thigh as the movie goes on. 

The attendant pauses the film for an intermission, and it's usually where people stand up to stretch their legs but other than them, there's only one car left and they're not not leaving the truck anytime soon.

They use the time to make out instead; normally Maya would care about how exposed they are but she parked in a corner so when Carina rolls them over and drops a knee between Maya's legs, she has to firmly recite Vic's words in her head. 

"We shouldn't," Maya breathes, trying to will it so by saying it aloud. "I promised," Carina latches teeth onto Maya's neck and Maya's next thought comes out as a groan. "I promised Vic we wouldn't defile her car."

"Who said we were having sex?" Carina says, pulling Maya's shirt out of her pants and leaning back in to kiss her. She bites on Maya's bottom lip, sucks it into her mouth just as she dips a hand into her bra and any thoughts of Vic evacuate Maya's brain. 

" _Carina_ —" Maya holds out for a second, just so she can say she tried, then pulls Carina down by her lapel, claims her mouth. Vic will just have to deal, Maya will pay to have her blankets dry cleaned or something.

Maya's only faintly aware of the movie coming back, more focused on trying to shrug out off her shirt, but Carina pulling away from her jolts her back to reality. 

"This is the best part," Carina says, angling her head away from Maya to look up at the movie. 

" _We_ were just getting to the best part," Maya grumbles, internally cursing stupid ass Doris Day and her antics. She lets herself be placated with the quick kiss Carina presses on her forehead.

Maya doesn't know what she looks like—wrecked, probably, but even with her shirt half unbuttoned, a chill slipping under her skin, and Carina's attention back on the movie and not on her, she doesn't actually mind.

She peeks up at Carina from where she's half propped in her lap still. Carina's got crumbs stuck to her cheek and her lips are kiss swollen, pupils blown. She looks content, even if she does roll her eyes when Doris Day and Paul Newman share a closed mouth kiss. 

The movie starts a montage sequence and they lay down together, Carina absently playing with Maya's fingers as the sun fades into the horizon.

"I love this scene," Carina says a while later, turning to Maya when the music swells and the villain is revealed. She mouths the words, exaggerated and silly and Maya pulls her in for a kiss, tastes berries and syrup, chases her lips until Carina pulls back, flushed and dazed.

"We just missed the ending," Carina mumbles, not taking her eyes off Maya's lips.

"We'll rent it," Maya says, tugging her back down. 

"Okay," Carina grins, gazes at her fondly. "Look, we can actually see the stars from here."

Maya looks up. "We can."

Carina makes Maya remind her of the names if the constellations, smiling when Maya gets a little rambly(she's a space person, it's her one weird thing).

"What's that one?' Carina says, still looking up.

It's Venus that's lingering in the sky and Maya is about to tell her that but instead she says, "I love you." 

Carina's face goes slack and her eyes soften, just for a moment, then she smiles, her real one, where her eyes almost close and her nose scrunches up and all Maya can think is _finally_.

Maya doesn't say it a lot, she knows this, but it's not because she doesn't feel it(she feels it so much, sometimes while Carina is doing nothing at all, it's a little crazy making) it's more that she hasn't had a whole lot of practice with saying it, but she's been trying to just say it when she feels it, these days.

Carina tells her all the time, in the mornings before work, between breakfast and caffeine kisses and even when she's mad—she says it all gruff and frowny, but she still says it.

It still shocks Maya sometimes to hear Carina say it so plainly, but when Carina quietly says it back to her right now, Maya succumbs to all the feelings she usually tries to contain. 

Carina nudges her nose against Maya's, kisses the corner of her mouth and drops her head back onto her chest.

The music from the movie is still playing, waning, as it nears the credits and Maya couldn't explain the plot if someone paid her but it doesn't matter. 

It's the best movie she's never seen.  


-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one day ill be free from the chains of academia. one day.
> 
> all of this should be up in the next two weeks or so, had a random idea for a halloween fic and got a little sidetracked there a bit.


	3. brothers

.

_' time will tell, she'll see us through_ _.'_

 _**-** _ **isakov gregory alan**

-

"Hey," Mason says, opening the door to his apartment.

Maya goes to hug him, thinks better of it and waves instead. "Mason, hi."

"Hi."

It's awkward for a moment, both of them just nodding and staring until Mason waves for her to enter.

"Sit," Mason says, pointing to the couch. 

Maya enters, sits, and fiddles with a decorative pillow while she looks around his apartment. It's small, but cozy; lot of plants and paintings covering almost every wall.

Mason catches her eyeing one canvas across the hall. "That's one of my old one's."

"I remember. I had to help you splatter the paint."

"I almost forgot about that," Mason says, smiling a little. "You were a crap assistant."

"You made me hold up that canvas for an hour, then you claimed I ruined it with my energy," Maya grins as she recalls the day.

It's one of the rare free days she remembers getting during her training. She and Mason had been close as kids but once Mason dropped track, they started to spend less time together. With practice and her father's rigid schedule, she rarely had time for Mason, or any real friendships and soon, her brother had found new friends and was doing his own thing. 

By the time she left for college, Mason only saw Maya as an extension of her father and hardly wanted anything to do with her. There were a few times they would get together after the Olympics and while she was in school but it never lead to anything. Soon, she was busy with the fire academy and the months and years kept coming until one day Maya realized she couldn't recall their last meaningful conversation. 

Seeing him at the homeless camp almost two years back had been distressing, but Mason hadn't wanted her help and if she's being honest, she hadn't tried very hard. She had a life of her own and everything about his situation was just too painful; she let him fade to the background.

It was easier than feeling responsible for everything that happened, than facing uncomfortable truths about her family, herself and the reality of how her brother really got to where he was, in his addiction and hardships. She'd seen him around town a few times after that but she'd never approached him, too unsure of what to say and not ready for any real sort of confrontation. They probably wouldn't be talking now, if not for her mother.

She'd asked Maya to come over for lunch a few months ago—a new thing they were trying, but when Maya got there her brother was in the kitchen. 

Mason had been just as shocked to see her and both were irritated at their mother for her maneuvering but Katherine Bishop had always been excellent at guilt—in the months since her separation from Maya's father she had become more blunt, less feeble— evident in the way she stood in the middle of the kitchen with her hands on her hips, and told them to grow up and work things out. 

She'd left the room and Maya had been the one to start talking. Neither of them ended up leaving and the conversation was awkward and stilted.

Mason used to be Maya's go to person, but that hadn't been true for a long time. Sitting in her mothers new house and speaking like they were old acquaintances made her feel off footed and Maya had left an hour before she usually would have.

Only, once Maya got past her annoyance at her mother for tricking them, she could admit that it had been really good to see her brother again. That meeting had ignited something in her, and the fact of the matter was, she _had_ missed Mason so, when her mother asked her back the next weekend she agreed. 

It was better this time but both of them were still hesitant. Mason spoke frankly about his sobriety but neither of them really brought up the past and for the most part, they discussed the minutiae of their everyday life.

They would have carried on that way, with polite surface talk, but one day Maya’d had a rough conversation with her father taken it out on Carina and everyone else, and had come to lunch reeling and wounded and ready to make everyone around her pay for it. 

Mason had intercepted her just as she walked through the front door, and she'd unleashed her temper on him. 

She had wanted him to yell back, wanted him to get furious and mean so she'd have someone to fight with but he wouldn't engage. He'd just folded his arms and stared, called her out for trying to unravel everything and calmly asked her what was wrong. He was nonplussed and the look on his face was so knowing; the anger she'd been harboring for days had dissipated and she'd deflated right there in her mother's doorway. 

Standing there staring at each other, she had been taken back to childhood; he was looking at her the way he had when they were kids and she broke their mom's favorite vase. 

It was an accident and Maya doesn't even recall how it happened; she just remembers looking down at the shards at the floor and being terrified of her mistake. She had wanted to ignore it and told Mason so but after they had cleaned it up together, Mason had gone to their father and taken the blame. Lane's punishment was to have him him run laps in the sun, only allowing him to stop once he threw up. 

Watching from her bedroom, Maya had been sick with guilt and while she couldn't name it, in that moment she knew she despised her father. Later, she tried to apologize but Mason wouldn't let her and soon after they were sent to bed. 

That night, she'd had her first panic attack. 

It was sudden and immediate; her mind had just started _going_ , and everything started to get dark. She'd been on the verge of hyperventilating in her bed until Mason dragged his sleeping bag to her room, made her join him on the floor and shared his gameboy with her. 

It was a hazy memory but remembering it pushed everything to the surface. 

Mason was the one Lane would eventually toss aside, and while that wasn't great, their father had zeroed in on Maya, leaned on her until she bent. Whether it was better to have been consumed or rejected, neither knew; they just knew that they both suffered. Their father had forced them to play a game neither wanted to win.

That day at her mother's house, Maya had just been exhausted. She was _always_ exhausted and she didn't want to fight anyone, anymore. She told Mason that and they'd sat on the front steps of their mothers house and talked, _really_ talked about everything, until Katherine interrupted them with ice-cream, like they were kids coming in from a long day of playing outside. 

Their mother never bought cookies and cream, she just added the oreos herself; Maya almost forgot. 

After they finally ate lunch, Maya watched them wash up, her eyes tight as she tried to process this new reality and what family looked like for her now.

"I saw the news, that skyscraper fire looked rough. You okay?" Mason asks, when the silence starts to drag.

Pulling herself from the past, Maya nods, "yeah, it took a while to get under control but I'm fine."

"Good," Mason says. "That's good."

"How's school? Just one more semester 'till you have all your credits right?"

"I'm thinking of dropping out. Not because I'm a flake," Mason rushes to add.

"I wasn't thinking that."

"I've just made a lot of connections and I don't really need academic backing anymore. People seem to like the stuff I post online too." 

"Yeah? What's your handle, I'll follow you." 

Mason looks surprised. "You still have that old account?"

"I do." Maya pulls out her phone, opens the app and shows him.

"Your last post was almost 4 years ago."

"I only ever used it for sponsored stuff."

Mason holds the phone up to his face, "is that a Nike Ad?"

"I'm not really a social media person. I should probably post some firefighting stuff, that's what my girlfriend keeps saying, anyway."

"Oh, that's still going on?" Mason sounds... not quite shocked, but there's something in his voice that gives Maya pause. 

"Yes?" Maya says, frowning. 

"Okay, unclench, killer. Mom already told me you were seeing someone I just didn't know it was serious." 

She smiles at the old nickname, but still elbows him for his comment. "Yeah well, it's still going on." 

Mason shrugs. "I just keep thinking of that one weekend I visited you in college. It was a revolving door of people, and you had all those theories on monogamy. What did you say? Something about it being a collective delusion?"

"I was 19! And drunk."

Maya remembers that weekend. She'd been getting so many sponsorships and was finally away from home, basking in the freedom. She had money to blow and they’d spent the weekend restaurant hopping and hanging out with her friends. When he'd left Sunday morning, she thought maybe they'd make it a regular thing. That didn't happen. 

"And there weren't people coming in and out, my dorm wasn't even big enough for that."

Mason raises his eyebrows. "It was a harem." 

"There were maybe two people." Maya thinks on it, "okay, three. Who cares? Don't shame me."

"I'm not, it's just a surprise, is all."

"Whatever. What about you, are you seeing anyone?"

"I've been with the same person for almost two years"

"You have?"

"Yep," Mason doesn't offer anything else.

Maya rolls her eyes. "Okay, could you be more vague?" 

"Remember Jude?" Mason says her name like it should mean something and it sparks a faint memory in her. 

"Jude. Like, Jude Chen from high school, Jude?"

"That's her."

Jude Chen moved to their high school in sophomore year and she had the shiniest hair Maya had ever seen. Captain of the cheerleading team, she was tall and nice to everyone. Maya hated pep and cheer but she used to stop and watch them practice on the field while she stretched for track. To admire her fellow athletes, of course.

"How is she?" 

Mason grabs his phone, pulls up a picture of the two of them.   
  
"She's even hotter now, right?" Mason says and Maya finds herself nodding before she stops herself. 

Mason catches her, laughs. "You used to spend hours watching the cheerleaders."

"Don't remember that," Maya folds her arms and rolls her eyes as Mason snorts. 

"Yeah, okay. How's uh, what's her name again? Your girlfriend?"

"Carina."

"Carina, that's it," Mason gets up, heads to the kitchen. "You know mom's in love with her, right? I think if you guys break up she might actually die."

Maya grins, "she likes her better than both of us, I swear."

Mason laughs and walks back from the kitchen with juice. He sits back next to her and holds out his phone. "You hungry? We could get Chinese."

Maya leans in to see the screen better. He's got uber eats up and a menu from their old favorite, Wong's Palace glows up at her. Mason's already got two orders of fried rice with black bean sauce pulled up and she feels pleased that he remembered. "Yeah, I can eat, thanks. I'll pay you later?"

Mason just shrugs. "It's like, 15 bucks, it's fine. And don't think you're getting out of this girlfriend thing. Mom mentioned she's a doctor? Impressive." 

Maya rolls her eyes but she can't help her small smile. "She's a gynecologist and she's really good at her job," Maya says. "She did this study that's kind of a big deal and—"

"Okay, I have to meet her. You sound just like you used to when you'd talk about Lila Johnston."

"What? I never had a crush on her."

"Who mentioned a crush?" Mason smirks, "you used to give her all your water after practice."

Maya huffs, "that's a lie."

"Forgot I used to run track too, didn't you? I was there."

"Well, everyone liked her, she was cool."

“Remember the when you tried to compliment her hair? ‘Hey Lila, I like the beads on your braids,’” Mason says in the worst imitation of her voice, ever.

"I hate you." 

"I bet Carina would love to know all the embarrassing shit you did growing up."

"You mention anything to Carina and I'm finding Jude and telling her about that time you wet yourself when you were twelve."

"The haunted house was scary, I saw a ghost!"

"It was teenagers in smelly costumes."

"It was _ghosts_." 

"It was you peeing your pants. At twelve."

Mason throws a pillow at her and she throws one back. 

She's got an elbow his gut, laughing as he tries to stick a pillow in her face. He digs two fingers into her neck, an old but effective trick he used when they were kids. Maya jerks away from him and her arm catches on the glass of juice.

"I got it," Maya says, releasing him and standing. She walks into the kitchen, grabs some paper towel.

It's strange, being here in her brother's apartment on a Friday night. A year ago, even three months ago, this wouldn't have been an option. 

It doesn't feel like when they were kids and she could almost read his mind, but it's far from cold stares when she sees him around town, both of them pretending not to recognize the other. Tonight also isn't like that one weekend he came to visit where they shared cheap beer over dinner and Mason made her laugh so hard it came out of her nose, burning.

This is unexplored territory but it feels like the beginning of something, like maybe they can get back to how they used to be.

*

Mid October brings rain.

It's been storming all week and the roads are flooded and slippery; it's prime accident fodder and that is the reason Maya finds herself in the ER on a Tuesday morning. 

It's her one day off this week and she was supposed to be home already, sleeping off the long shift. She bummed a ride off Jack but was banished to the backseat once Vic heard a ride was on the table and claimed the front. 

In a twisted way, Vic ended up saving her because otherwise, she would be the one with seatbelt burns across her chest right now. 

It wasn't more than a fender bender but the old Volvo that rammed into them from behind packed a punch.

Jack and Vic had wanted to head over Maya's and patch themselves up with her first aid kit. It sounded like a plan when Jack was outside giving the other guy his insurance information but once he got back in and Maya took a closer look at him, she changed her mind. He had a cut from where his head hit the wheel and his eyes were bleary. That, along with Vic's reddening neck made snatch away his keys and drive the grumbling pair to the hospital. 

They were admitted a while ago but it's been busy. So far, they've been sitting on the thin beds, waiting. 

They're playing a gruesome round of hospital iSpy when, halfway through describing a broken leg Jack groans and says something under his breath. 

"What?" Vic says, straining her head past Jack to see what shut him up. "Oh, him?" 

Maya follows their stares, sees Andrew coming down the south stairs and rolls her eyes. "Don't make it weird, Jack. Everyone's moved on, you're literally fine."

"Maybe. Still don't want him to be my doctor, though."

"He's probably not even headed over here," Vic says.

"Really hope not," Jack says, rubbing his head. 

Maya tunes them out as they go back to the game, thinks back on how random it was that Jack and Andrew even had any sort of extended interaction, at all. 

They would've never even actually met if Jackson hadn't gotten shot and Warren hadn't needed an emergency replacement for the PRT. 

He'd picked Andrew by chance, without knowing what went down between Jack and Maya and Andrew had worked with them for just over two weeks. 

It was right after Maya and Carina had gotten back together, and those had been the most awkward 17 days of Maya's life.

He was like an apparition, always in the background just _watching_. He mostly focused his vacant stare on Jack, and he never said anything but Maya didn't love having him around either.

Most of the team knew what had happened; immediately after her break up with Carina, there had been a public blow up between Jack and Maya. It was after a particularly tough call where Maya felt Jack had gone in guns blazing and disregarded her instructions. They'd gone back and forth and between their acerbic exchange of blame, their prior indiscretion came out, too. 

The rest of the team pretended not to listen, but being that they were in the beanery, there was no way they hadn't heard. No one brought it up, but those few days after their fight, existing at the station had been extremely uncomfortable and Maya had never been more thankful that she had a private office in her life. 

Adding Andrew to the mix was a literal nightmare, and Maya didn't believe in higher powers or karma, but she was definitely getting her her comeuppance. 

Work was distracting and tense and she couldn't even speak with Carina about it because they were still rocky, back then. It had taken Vic, with her jokes and endless invites to Andrew to hang out with the team out of the station for things to cool down. 

They'd gone to Joe's a few times and each time, the ice melted more and more. Andrew and Maya simply avoided each other but things were less strained and consequent shifts no longer felt like some kind of purgatory. 

"Hey," Vic kicks lightly at Maya from across her hospital bed, "aren't you two friends now or whatever?" 

Friends is a little strong, but their current relationship is definitely a step up from how they were before.

Andrew used to very pointedly ignore Maya whenever they happened to be in the same place, and it wasn't until after her accident—almost a month after he'd stopped working at the station—that he even said more than five words to her.

He'd come to visit her at the hospital then, asked if she was okay and explained some of medical stuff to her when she brought it up.

She thought they were going to leave it at that but then he'd brought up Carina. It wasn't really any macho shovel talk kind of thing but his leading, _'my sister is a really good person,'_ had a threatening lilt to it.

She was on a lot of meds at the time and their conversation is still pretty fuzzy but she remembers him saying that Carina always saw the best in people, sometimes to her own detriment. 

Maya had been extremely annoyed at what he was implying and at the fact that he was involving himself in their relationship at all but, on a logical level she got why he was doing so. He was trying protect his sister, and as intrusive as it was, she _had_ played fast and loose with Carina's heart. 

Andrew wasn't wrong about that, or the fact that Carina tended to extend herself for the people she cared and was always putting other people first. 

Still, he didn't know anything about their relationship, not really, and they were all adults. Maya relayed that fact to him, as nicely as she could without telling him to fuck off, because she understood where he was coming from, but it was also none of his business.  
  
She'd mentioned that to him and Andrew had backed off then, begrudgingly apologetic. The rest of the conversation was pretty mild, and he hadn't said anything unexpected but Maya could read through the lines.

_She's picked you, make sure you're worth it._

He'd left it at that and they'd been mostly good since. 

"We're okay," Maya says, "honestly? I'm just glad he doesn't work with us anymore." 

Jack scoffs, "that dead eyed stare he would give me? Shit was creepy." 

Vic laughs, "oh my god that was hilarious. He was so silent and would just pop up—heeey! Andrew, hi."

"Heard you got into a little accident?" Andrew says holding up their charts as he walks up to them. Nodding hello to Vic and Maya, he glances blankly at Jack. 

"Just a fender bender," Jack says.

Andrew doesn't reply, just snaps on gloves and looks down at him, curt. 

It's not the most awkward moment of Maya's life, but it's up there.

"So DeLuca, you ever miss the fire action or did we scare you off?" Vic says, laying back on the bed and pressing her head to Maya's thigh. 

Maya shoots her a grateful smile for breaking the weird silence.

"You know it's not normal to run into burning buildings right? Some of us get that," Andrew jokes. He dabs antiseptic on Jack's head, and Maya isn't sure but she thinks she sees his lip twitch when Jack winces. "This isn't too bad but I'm going to stitch you up now. Alright?" 

"Yeah, go ahead." Jack closes his eyes and Andrew starts working. 

"Here," Vic holds out some cash to Maya, points at the vending machine down the hall. "Go get me something sweet."

"Sure," Maya says, waving her money away, "I got it."

Weirdly, the vending machine is out of all the candy so Maya gets her a bag of pretzels and heads back. She's a few steps from Vic's bed when she spots Carina across the hall. 

She's at the nurses station speaking to two doctors Maya doesn't recognize. She's too far to hear but Carina's already ran her hands in her hair twice; one of the doctors—definitely the shorter one she's frowning at—is about to have a problem.

Maya doesn't realize the curtain has been drawn back until Vic snatches the bag of pretzels from her hands.

"I have to say, watching you ogle my sister? Not fun," Andrew says, looking up from where he's handling Vic's neck. 

"Jack's gone up to neuro and I'm fine, by the way, I know that's what you were about to ask," Vic says, pointedly. 

"I was going to ask," Maya insists, turning away from Carina. "And I wasn't ogling."

"Right," Andrew says, surprising Maya by smiling at her, "so why didn't you answer when I called your name?" 

"I wasn't _staring_ ," Maya says, but her eyes trail back to Carina before she can help it.

Andrew catches her and rolls his eyes. "Yeah, you're really selling it."

Maya can't even come up with an excuse because she's been up for almost 48 hours and she hasn't seen Carina in days. She was absolutely staring.

"This is nothing. Be thankful you don't see them at home," Vic adds, unhelpfully. "It's like they want to mount—"

"I will pay you to never finish that sentence," Andrew says, closing his eyes. His face is contorted in a grimace which makes Vic laugh, until she catches Maya's mild glare. 

"That's a lie," Maya says, primly. "We don't—"

"Can we talk about something else? I'm actually begging," Andrew says, shooting them a pained look.

Maya grins but takes pity on him. "You started this."

"Yeah, and I'm regretting that." Andrew says, pretending to gag.

Vic quietly laughs and cracks open the bag of pretzels. 

"Before I forget," Andrew looks up at her expectantly from his clipboard. "Carina wants to check out that new sushi place uptown. Do you want to come?"

Maya's hand stills where it's held out next to Vic for some of the food. "Really? I mean—yeah. Yeah, just let me know when."

He nods and goes back to examining Vic. "No ogling though, I do need to be able to eat." 

Maya rolls her eyes, but doesn't answer; Carina waving at her from across the hall distracts her. She hands a file to a nurse and crosses the hallway in a few strides. 

"I'm fine," Maya says, before Carina can ask. "We had a little accident on our way home but everyone's good," she glances at Andrew, "right?"

"Yep," Andrew hands Vic a script. "Everything's good here."

"Okay," Carina smiles down at Maya, tugs on the zipper on her jacket. "Hi."

Maya steps a bit closer to her, "hey, how's your morning going?"

"Busy. I have three patients back to back for the next few hours."

"Jack's almost done," Vic says, not looking up from her phone.

"Was he driving? I saw Amelia take him up," Carina says, rolling her eyes when Maya's eyebrows shoot up to her hairline. "I don't like him but I don't want him to die."

They're mostly civil, she and Jack. Carina told Maya about his apology and for all his good intentions, Maya still wishes he'd told her about it before just ambushing her girlfriend. Had Carina not been Carina, things could've ended very differently. 

They're cordial; Carina doesn't go out of her way to interact with him and Jack still steers clear of her. Especially at the station. 

Last month though, they'd had a pancake dinner and after Jack stood awkwardly at their table—the only open table—Carina looked up, shook her head and said, "Jack, sit down. If you want to eat, just eat."

He sat on the far side of the table and was incredibly focused on his meal, but he sat.

Carina hadn't gone cold and silent, like the early days when she would see Jack and Maya together. It was like Jack wasn't even there, she'd just picked up her conversation with Travis and kept eating.

Everything about their situation was difficult and inconvenient but Carina had made it easy. 

She _always_ makes things easy. 

Maya grins, rueful. "He'll be fine. Your brother fixed him up."

"I did. He shouldn't even scar. Damn, I'm being paged, but I'll text you?" Andrew says, nodding at Maya. 

"Sure. When you've got a moment could you send him my number?" Maya says this last bit to Carina and she looks confused but nods.

Andrew is off with a wave and Carina turns back to Maya. "What were you two talking about?" 

"He invited me to lunch but we haven't picked a day yet."

"He invited you to lunch?" Carina smiles slightly, surprised. 

"Us to lunch," Maya clarifies. "We're going to try that sushi place."

"I hate sushi," Vic says, crunching loudly.

"Is your neck okay?" Carina asks her.

"It's fine. I'm supposed to take a couple of days off, but I'll live."

"That's good news." Carina's phone vibrates in her pocket and she pulls it out, sighs, "I have an appointment in three minutes, I should go."

Maya grabs her hand before she can walk away. "I'll pick you up tonight?"

Carina nods and kisses her. It's the swift swoop down thing she does whenever they're in public or she's in a rush but the little peck warms Maya right down to her toes and she holds onto her scrub top for a second longer before releasing her. 

"Tonight," Carina repeats, pulling back. 

Vic watches Maya watch Carina as she walks away, and raises her eyebrows.

"Don't say it," Maya says, catching Vic's smug look. 

Vic blinks, fake innocent. "Say what?"

"Shut up."

"Fine. But just now? Super ogling," Vic teases.

"I will _leave_ you here."

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -


	4. friends&lovers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wanted to get this all out before the premiere whoops. 
> 
> though i guess at this point, this series is a slight au? still pretty much follows canon only, im %100 not acknowledging the pandemic happening irl/on the show right now.

.

_'you can't always get what you want.'_

_**-** _ **rolling stones**

-

Maya hasn't been sneezing for three minutes straight. 

A sick person would have sneezed for three minutes straight but Maya isn't sick; she never gets sick, so she isn't sneezing. It's just been dusty this week, is all. Allergies.

The bar bathroom's toilet paper is cheap and it only irritates her nose more, but she's been going through it all night. Because of off all the dust.

Maya isn't sick, but she's definitely having a bad week.

Every day has been one thing after another, and the entire station is worn out. Maya's never been great at pep talks but even if she was, she doesn't have it in her. The continuous losses have dimmed team morale and everyone just went straight to bed, after their last call.

It was a house fire that took down only the one house but there were no survivors. It was almost two hours ago but try as she might, Maya can't get the charred bodies out of her mind. She should be used to it, but sometimes, the losses haunt her.

There's been a tightness behind her eyes all day and when they returned she sat, still as she could, facing the wall behind her desk. It's the one filled with all her achievements and that stupid medal, but she had felt far from a winner. 

When Andy came into her office and suggested they all head to the bar to unwind, she almost declined but she wanted a drink more than she wanted to argue so she came with.

She still hadn't felt great but she's fine. Really. It's just that sometimes there's this emptiness inside of her and try as she might, she can't make herself move past it, when it makes itself known. It's almost physical, its reach, and in the way it renders her useless against the world, clawing its way into her mind and seeping into everything until the rest of the world seems like a far away suggestion and not something she actively participates in.

Paired with the upcoming holiday, she's been going over some shit. Not ruminating, just thinking on family stuff. Everything she's been working on in the last few months helps and Ann, her therapist(Maya's down to every other week) thinks they can even lower her meds. But sometimes she just has to sit in it, in her not quite despair. That's probably part of the self punishment thing Ann would say she does but just because she has fancy words for emotions and knows all about deep breathing doesn't actually mean she knows everything, so whatever.

Tossing the tissue in the bin, Maya washes her hands and blinks at herself in the mirror. She looks very... not good. Understandable, after the night she's had but the cloudy mirror isn't helping. Her nose is red, her hair is only half dry from her shower and the ponytail she stuck it in is half falling out. Pulling her hair out of the band, she runs a hand through her hair, smoothing out tangles and trying to get it to look halfway decent. It's a valiant effort, but it only makes her look worse so she dips her head down, gathers her hair and snaps it in its normal work ponytail.

Giving herself one last look, she grabs a couple of squares of toilet paper from a stall and leaves the bathroom. 

The bar isn't busy, and she hops onto a stool, orders a beer and grabs her phone.

No missed callls.

All day, in between fires she had been texting with Carina, trying to set up time for a FaceTime. They eventually spoke while Carina had lunch and Maya filled out some reports but it had been a short conversation.

Maya missed her, and instead of just saying that, she'd somehow put the blame on Carina for not being around because even now, Maya hates admitting she needs anyone. 

An entire family had died under her watch and she was cranky and her head hurt. She just wanted Carina to _be_ there, instead of playing phone tag like they had the past few days, but her mind was racing and she somehow couldn't translate that in the moment so she'd picked a fight and said some things she shouldn't have. They went back and forth a little, until Carina ended it by saying she'd prefer to sleep at her place tonight and hung up.

Maya called back but Carina didn't pick up and the alarm started blaring before she had the chance to try again.

She tried again when they got back from the call but there was still no answer so she'd thought maybe it would be better if she gave Carina some space.

The bar stool next to Maya squeaks as someone drops down on it. Maya knows it's Jack before he speaks, his cologne is that strong, even in the sweaty bar. 

Already knowing what he's going to say and not wanting to hear it, Maya palms her beer and chugs it.

"Tough call today," Jack says, lifting his hand to order.

"I don't want to talk about it Gibson, let's just drink."

"You were a good Captain. That fire, by the time we got there—"

She hears Jack say, "good talk," as she walks away, ignoring him.

He doesn't follow her but Andy's at the booth and she almost goes back to the bar. Andy's got that same look on her face that she's had all day, the one that says they're due for a long conversation. They don't do heart to hearts, but sometimes after days like this, Andy wants to talk. A lot.

She pushes her plate of fries towards Maya when she drops down into a seat but Maya declines.

"What's up?" Andy says.

"Nothing."

"Maya, you've been a giant pain in the ass all day, c'mon, what gives?"

"I'm fine," Maya snaps. She doesn't want to talk. She wants to drink and not think about lifeless bodies and how one tiny spark can ignite entire houses. She keeps waiting for the usual indifference to sink in. After hundreds of fires it's the norm, but somehow she's been having a harder time moving past it. 

Andy just stares at her, unimpressed. "So here's what I'm thinking; family stuff because of the holidays, Carina stuff, because you keep glancing at your phone every three seconds and—" 

"Stop."

Andy stops.

"Look, you're right," Maya says. "Today was shitty and I have been thinking of family stuff, I guess. But it's dumb, your dad's actually gone, I don't get to be sad just because my dad was little mean."

"He was more than a little mean, Maya." Andy looks away and stares somewhere behind Maya. "My dad's dead and yours is a prick and that's really fucking bleak but we need to be able to talk about that, if you want. Please don't close yourself off to me."

Maya tries to swallow past the sudden lump in her throat but it's not going anywhere. "I'm not trying to, it's just. Being silently pissed is easier."

"I know. I'm kind of spectacular at being angry," Andy says. "Look, it's late but let me give you a ride? We can talk in the car or sit in awkward silence. Whatever you want."

"I want to talk."

"Good, because I do too."

/

Parked in Maya's driveway, they talk for over an hour.

About the fire, about how even though they know there's nothing they could have done, neither of them will be able to sleep easily tonight. Andy brings up an old call her dad went on, one that ended similarly and Maya feels a little better at the reminder that even her old captain didn't always get the saves. 

"He was a good captain," Andy says.

"He was a great captain," Maya agrees.

"Wish he'd put even half as much effort into being a parent but I'm past it," Andy sighs. "Or I'm trying to be."

Maya reclines a little in her seat. "Are you going to try thanksgiving with your aunt and mom?"

"No, I'm not ready to spend a major holiday with her. Maybe in a few years." Andy frowns. "Wait, aren't we doing that friendsgiving thing at yours?"

Maya draws a blank. "The what thing?"

"Friendsgiving. Vic said you okayed it. She said—"

"Of course she did." Maya faintly remembers a sleepy conversation a few days ago. She'd come out of her room to grab water and Vic was watching something in the living room with Travis. She'd asked Maya something but it was past midnight and Vic's late night questions tended to become whole discussions, so Maya had mumbled a vauge answer and shuffled back to bed.

And now she's been roped into planning thanksgiving.

"I'll help." Andy says, noting the way Maya's nose wrinkles in annoyance. "I'll make the turkey and even help you set up. It'll be fun."

"Fun," Maya repeats flatly. "Right."

Andy shrugs and turns to fully face her. "It will. And it's better than spending the day eating cereal out of the box. Or with our parents." Andy's voice softens.

"True. I had planned to see my mom but when she called but I told her I was working. She's still trying to plan a thing with my brother but I think it's too soon." Maya doesn't mention the other member of her family, not really wanting to have that conversation right now. Andy might be Andy, but there are still things they leave untouched. Even now, there are times Maya tries to untangle shit with her dad in her mind but her brain shuts down in self defense.

"I get that. I do want to meet your brother though, one day. He seems nice, based what you've said."

"He's pretty great. Annoying, but cool."

"Kinda like you," Andy teases.

Maya rolls her eyes but smiles. "See, I was going to let you in but now—"

She's interrupted by a loud cough wracking its way through her body.

Andy moves back until she's plastered against her car door. "I should have known. Your nose is is all red!"

"I'm not—" Maya tries holding her breath, but it doesn't work and she sneezes again, three high pitched breaths, in quick succession.

"You're—"

"Fine—"

"Sick. Maya, you're sick! You're going inside right now and you're taking a nap."

Maya just blinks at Andy and she cracks a smile. "Yeah, okay, didn't think that would work but seriously. Go inside and take some meds at least."

"I'm going inside, but only because I'm here. I'm not sick."

Andy rolls her eyes. "So that wasn't a sneeze?"

"Nope. I was testing out new noises," Maya says, seriously.

Andy holds her gaze for half a minute then throws up her hands. "You're so... Maya, your nose is bright red and your eyes are watering. You're a walking infection right now."

Maya opens her mouth to argue but the sneeze she lets out shakes her entire body and she groans instead.

"Okay, okay, maybe I'm a little sick."

"You should take the rest of the week off."

"I'll take a day."

Andy narrows her eyes, "no you'll do more than that. I mean it. You know how quickly this shit spreads around the station. We all just recovered from Dean's stomach flu last month."

Maya swallows any argument, not just because Andy's right, but also because talking is starting to take some effort. "Fine."

Andy nods." good. 'Cause seriously? If I see you at the station tomorrow, I will actually fight you."

"You can't fight."

"Maybe not. But I _will_ hit a sick person." Andy leans over her to open the door, "out, rest. Now."

"You get mean at night. Anyone ever tell you that?"

"It's the lack of sleep. Go rest."

Stepping out of the car, Maya sends a small wave over her shoulder and goes to her door. Fishing her keys from her pocket, she switches her phone to her other hand, her face falling when she doesn't see any notifications other than a spam email.

Her hand on the door handle drops and she decides in a second that she isn't going inside.

Andy looks up in surprise, eyebrows raised when Maya opens the door and sits back down. "What are you—"

"Take me to the hospital. I'm going to see Carina."

"Now? Maya you look really rough, maybe—"

"Could you just drive me, please?"

Andy sighs but starts the car. "Fine. But only because I know you'd actually try to run there, even though you can't even breathe right now."

"It's not that bad. A cold at the most."

"You sound like Darth Vader right now, so maybe lie better."

Maya grins, "fine. Maybe it's worse than a cold. But I'll be back in like 3 days, max."

"No you won't. Carina will take one look at you and make you stay home."

Maya hadn't considered that; Carina always makes a fuss whenever she gets so much as a sniffle. "Maybe you should drop me back home."

"Too late. We're halfway there." Andy says. "You're going to be forced to relax no matter what."

"Maybe she won't notice."

"Yeah, maybe the doctor won't notice her sick girlfriend. You're funny."

Maya leans back in her seat and glares at Andy who just laughs. "Just drive."  
  
  
/

Maya drops down onto the couch in Carina's office. It was dark when she entered, Carina away and busy in surgery. Maya saw her name on the OR board, knows she'll be gone for a while.

Maya doesn't mean to, but she falls asleep and she wakes with a jolt, the remants of her dream already fading.

"This is cozy," says Amelia. She's sitting next to Maya, peering down at her with a small smile.

"Were you watching me sleep?, Maya asks, sitting up.

"Uh, no," Amelia rolls her eyes. "I do have boundaries."

Maya just gives her a look. More often than not, she's caught Amelia looking at her like she wants to ask her to go for a few rounds.

Amelia just shrugs. "You woke up the second I sat down. You good? You look a little pale."

"Just a cold." Maya says.

Amelia nods, then holds out her coffee to her. "Take it. You look like you need it more than me."

"No, it's fine."

"Seriously, go ahead. It's late and anymore coffee will have me wired."

"Thanks." Maya takes the unopened cup from her and takes a long sip.

"You'll need it if you're planning to stay awake until Carina's done. Could be a while."

"Was there a complication in her surgery?"

"Nothing like that. It's just a long procedure."

Maya makes a mental note to ask Carina about it anyway.

Amelia settles more deeply into the couch. "It's pretty routine. Honestly? She was checking her phone way more than her pager all day."

Maya doesn't respond to that, just takes another sip of her drink.

"She didn't say anything," Amelia goes on." Well, not in English. She ranted a bit in Italian and your name came up."

Maya wants to roll her eyes a little or fend Amelia off with a snide comment but she's one of the few people that knows both she and Carina and as pushy as she can be, Amelia's harmless.

"I was giving her space," Maya says, rolling her neck. Her little nap was the opposite of helpful; her entire body feels sore. 

"I see. And now?"

"And now I'm not." Maya sets down the drink. "I would have come over with her usual order from D'Angelis but it was sort of a last minute decision."

"I do love your apology donuts," Amelia says wistfully, making Maya smile.

"Actually, we should order some of their desserts for friendgiving."

Maya raises her eyebrows. "How the hell do you know about that?"

Amelia holds up her phone. "Vic mentioned it in our group chat."

"Why do you and Vic have a groupchat?" Maya squints. "Actually, never mind."

"Travis is in there too. It's a laugh a minute. Actually, since I have you here, is there anything specific you need me to bring? Because I'm thinking my special cranberry sauce should do the trick."

Maya pushes down several questions and just decides to ask the most important one. "What makes it special?"

"It's a really involved process."

"Yeah?"

"Yep. I gotta buy the can, open the can, dump the contents in a really nice bowl and make sure it all comes out in one piece."

Maya snorts. "That'll do it."

"Masterchef is calling, obviously." Amelia says. "I can also bring—"

"Amelia, you can't just use my office as your personal..." Carina stops talking, and her office door swings behind her. She glances at Amelia on her couch, then at Maya and back again. 

"Hi," Maya says.

"Hi," Carina says back.

"Hello," Amelia adds.

Maya and Carina both turn to her and she nods, "right yeah, I should get going. It's late."

She stands, with a chirp of "I'll call you later," to Carina, gives Maya a thumbs up behind Carina's back, then closes the door behind her.

"What are you doing here? It's late." Carina says, stepping more fully into her office.

She unloads an armful of files and leans on her desk.

"I know. I wanted to see you."

"Maya—"

"I'm sorry."

Carina just looks at her, doesn't speak.

"I shouldn't have said—I know your work is important, I do. I just talked without thinking. Like I tend to do, you know I'm bad at being a person, sometimes. I just—"

"Dont say that," Carina frowns. "You're not bad at being a person."

"I just mean—"

"Don't, Maya," Carina looks like she's considering getting upset on her behalf and it's confusing but Maya doesn't want that so she just nods.

"Okay, but I'm really sorry. I do think you're trying, I just want you around. I always want you around."

It's a little more honest than she planned on being tonight but everything she thought she'd say to say went out the window once Carina was actually in front if her. She even cut herself off before she could say the rest, that she wants more, has been thinking they should move in together, because it's still really early and it kind of scares her, a little, this pull she has to Carina, and she doesn't want to be rejected. 

Carina has just been studying her face, and Maya inches over, steps into her space.

Carina sighs a little, touches her left wrist lightly, then holds on to it and runs her thumb across Maya's pulse point.

"Why were you so upset today?" Carina asks, softly.

Maya looks up at her and considers brushing it off but Carina's face is so open that Maya just starts talking.

"Family stuff. And work stuff, we lost a family in a fire."

"Maya, that's terrible, I'm sorry."

"No, it's... that's fine, I talked with Andy about it. It's the family—dad stuff."

They do talk about it, sometimes, in quiet stolen hours together. They talk about having to both navigate their fathers all encompassing rage and suffocating personalities, about knowing, far too young, how to make themselves small, and how to disappear.

It's still a lot though and Maya doesn't always want to always put it on Carina. Trying to figure out that balance between appropriate sharing and codependency has been tricky. But Maya’s kept a lot in these last couple of weeks while she sorts out how she feels about everything and she thinks she should maybe just tell Carina how she's feeling, now.

Carina is patient, her hands are at Maya's waist, and she's just holding her and waiting. Maya knows if she doesnt elaborate Carina won't push, but she wants to.

“Sometimes I forget,” Maya admits. "I forget to hate him, because I spent so much of my life doing the opposite of that. But then I remember and I—" Maya's eyes are suddenly burning and she looks away. "I came to apologize, and I'm making this all about me."

"No you're not. I want you to tell me these things, Maya."

"I know. But that's pretty much all I want to say about that, right now."

Carina nods. "Okay. But you know you can feel anyway you want about this right? There's no one right way to deal with this."

"I know." Maya moves to grab one of Carina's hands. "And I'm sorry about earlier. I was an ass because I missed you. It's not an excuse, but I should have just said that."

Carina walks her to the couch, and they sit, side by side.

"I miss you too," Carina says. "I just never have a free moment, with this study and all my new—"

Her pager goes off as if to prove her point. Carina stares at it but doesn't move.

"You have to go," Maya says, trying not to sound disappointed. 

Carina looks back down at the pager, frustrated.

Maya grabs her hand again. "It's fine. I'll stay," she says.

Carina looks up from the pager, "you will?"

"I will. How long 'till you're done?"

"An hour or so."

"Okay," Maya says, thinking. "I'll order us some takeout. That should take some time, and when you're done we could head back to yours ?"

Carina nods and smiles. It's just a tiny uptick of her lips but it loosens the tightness Maya's been feeling in her chest all day.

She leans in to kiss her, sighs at the familiarity of Carina's touch and only pulls away when her pager goes of again.

"I might take longer, if they really need me," Carina says, standing up reluctantly. 

"It's okay, I know you have to go save people, I'll be here."

Carina smiles at that, then after one last kiss that leaves Maya a little dazed, she grabs a file and walks to the door.

"Oh, and Maya?" Carina pauses, halfway out the door.

"Yeah?"

"I could feel your fever. I know you're sick. I'll send an intern up with some fluids and ibuprofen."

"Are you allowed to order them to do that?"

"Will you get them yourself if I don't?"

Maya bites back a smile. "Maybe."

Carina grins, "liar. I'll send one of the new interns. Or a resident—Helm, if she isn't too busy."

"Fine," Maya says, then shoos her away. "Go tend to your actual patients."

  
-  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -


	5. all together now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> almost fully written', she claims, knowing that scattered ideas dropped in various txt. documents does not a fanfic make! that'll learn me.

_._

_but if you try sometimes, you just might find: you get what you need.'_

_**-** _ **rolling stones**

-

Maya watches Carina lick ice cream off off her pinky—a quick dart of her tongue—and feels something stutter and stop at the back of her brain.

With work and prepping for this dinner they haven't really had any time alone this week and she feels hyper aware of Carina's every move. Her dress is tight, low cut, and Maya stopped being subtle about her staring two drinks ago. She watches Carina for another second, almost doesn't realize Andy is speaking.

"What?"

“I said, look at Maggie and Jack."

Maya scans the room, spies them laughing in a corner.

"They've been like that all night. I even heard him tell her his zoo joke."

"Ugh, the lame one about zebras?"

"That's the one."

Maya glances at them. Maggie is smiling while Jack looks down on her with a dumb look on his face.

"Think there's something there?" She says.

Andy shrugs. "Not sure, could be. They'd be cute right? Maggie seems nice and Jack is... well he's Jack but he tries."

Maggie _is_ nice and Jack is okay, when he isn't actively trying to ignite chaos and take everyone down with him

It's something he and Maya have in common.

"She's definitely too smart for him but if she laughed at the zoo joke, there might be hope."

Andy laughs and brings her drink to her lips.

Maya smells familiar perfume and is already turning around to meet Carina as she walks up to her. "Hello," she says, pulling Carina close by her waist.

Cairna wraps her hands around Maya's shoulders and presses a chaste kiss to Maya's lips, tasting like caramel.

"I could feel your eyes buring in a hole in my dress so I thought I should come over.

"Good thinking," Maya says, resting her hands a little lower than is polite in present company.

Carina stops her before it gets indecent. "Maya."

"Hm?"

"There are people around."

"We could be in the bedroom with no one around," Maya offers.

She's not usually one for PDA but she's a few drinks in and they're in the corner. No one's paying attention.

Carina leans back, smiles, "we're being social and spending time with friends."

"Fuck our friends."

"Wow," Andy says. "Nice to know where I stand."

Maya grins. She'd forgotten Andy was even still there, honestly.

"I was kidding."

"Nah, you absolutely meant that. I'm going to find Robert, he actually likes having me around," Andy glares, then smiles which ruins it.

Carina laughs as she watches her walks away.

"Having fun?" Maya asks.

Carina nods. "Yes, it's been really great but I'm so tired, I want to sneak away—"

"I'll come with you—"

"To sleep." Carina says, rolling her eyes.

"That's exactly what I was thinking".

"No it wasn't," Carina grins.

It wasn't, but as Maya studies Carina's face she notes that she really does look tired and she squinting like she does when she's sleepy and trying not to let it show. She's worked non stop this week, and with her study gaining traction, she's had more late nights than Maya can count.

"Seriously, we could go to your place if you want? I'll drive you and have Vic pick me up later."

Carina looks like she's going to say no but then she yawns. "Maybe. You don't think Vic will mind?"

"Mind? She's loving playing party host, I think she'll be fine. Besides, it's been hours, this should be dying down soon anyway."

"Okay, then, yes."

"I'll get our stuff."

Maya squeezes her hand then turns and makes her way through the maze of people scattered around her apartment.

In the living room, Dean, Warren and Travis are sitting on the couch with Amelia, watching the game.

Maya was watching with them earlier but she and Andy started talking and then Carina started existing in close proximity to her and that was pretty much a wrap on the game, for her.

"Score?" Maya asks leaning on the edge of the couch.

"Giants are up by like, a _million._ " Amelia yells, staring at the screen like she wants to enter it. Travis, Dean and Warren look sullen, watching the game with narrowed eyes.

"We can still come back from this," Maya tries to assure them.

"No we won't, we've sucked all hour and there's only 15 minutes left," Travis whines.

Dean shakes his head. "Did you see that pass? That's it, I'm done with the Seahawks, I'm a Giants man now."

"Where's your loyalty?" Warren says, not taking his eyes off the screen

Maya snickers at them, leaves them to go find Vic who's she spotted on the otherside of the living room, talking to Link.

She's bouncing Pru in her hands, and Link is holding Reese.

"Maya!" Vic says, lifting her glass out of Pru's reach. "Link was just telling me all about the time he built some guy new legs."

Link looks like he wants to correct her but just shrugs. "Close enough."

Maya nods at Link, amused, then turns to Vic. "Carina's really tired so I'm going to take her home, are you good here?"

"Yeah. This party is amazing. Obviously. Seriously, I could do this for cash."

"Sure," Maya says, deciding not to mention the two apple pies Vic burned earlier in the day.

Waving at Vic and Link, Maya grabs her and Carina's coats and heads back to her.

She's almost there but then she's stopped by Jo coming up to her.

Maya's only met her once, when she was on aidcar about a year ago but Link had asked Amelia, who asked Vic who told Maya they should invite her. It was last minute but apparently she'd had no plans. Something about a runway husband and a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Year.

She's nice, if a bit high energy.

"I was just telling Carina that I love you guys' place," Jo says, gesturing with her wine glass. "The decor is great."

"Oh we d—"Maya decides against correcting her, since clearly Carina didn't. "Uh, thanks."

"Sure. Hey, where'd you get those candles?"

Maya looks at the candles she's pointing at in the middle of a side table. "They're my roommate’s. I'll get back to you."

Jo nods a little slowly, clearly a few drinks in and Maya spares her a smile then excuses herself.

"Amelia's trying to trick me into babysitting," Carina says when Maya walks up to her. She takes her coat from Maya with a grateful smile.

"Who's tricking? You asked about Reese and all I said was that he was teething, and if you wanted to see it for yourself, you could. Every Saturday from the hours of 10am to 3pm. Is all."

"Oh, is that all?" Carina says.

"Reese has a tooth?" Maya hadn't noticed.

"He does. It's just one so far, but it's sharp and he'll shred your finger if you let him," Amelia smiles. "Again, you can come and see for yourself. Or you could, Bailey?"

"Give it up," Bailey says with a low laugh.

"Never." Amelia says, "childcare is crazy expensive, I'll always try."

Maya rolls her eyes. "As much as I'd love to continue this conversation—"

"Carina's basically dead on her feet?" Amelia interjects, laughing at Carina's small frown at her words.

Maya nods. "Basically yeah. We're going to go."

Bailey pats her on the shoulder. "This was a nice party. It's good to see everyone and get away from the kids. And don't worry, I'll make sure Ben and the rest clean up, you won't come home to a mess."

Maya smiles down at her and shrugs on her own coat. "Thanks, and thank you for coming. I'll see you at the fundraiser next week?"

"Of course."

Maya waves goodbye to Bailey and Amelia, takes Carina’s hand and guides her out, saying goodbye to everyone else on the way.

/  
  


Carina sleeps the entire ride back, and is grumpy when she's awoken.

She looks like she might fall asleep in the elevator, and only changes out of her dress at Maya's pointed suggestion before flopping down face first, onto her bed.

"Come lay with me," Carina says through a yawn, making grabby hands at Maya. 

"I'm not tired," Maya says but she's already shedding her clothes and looking for something more comfortable of Carina's to change into. She finds one of her own shirts in the top drawer, changes into it and slips under the covers.

"That was fun," Carina mumbles, adjusting so she's laying half on top of Maya. "Everyone really got to know each other."

"Yeah. Some a little more than most, but it was nice."

Carina opens her eyes, "you saw them too?"

"Jack and Maggie? Yeah, Andy pointed them out. I mean, she can do better for sure but I guess, right?"

Carina makes a face. "Maggie and Jack? I was talking about Vic and Andrea." 

"Vic and your brother? I... no I didn't notice anything different with them?"

Carina shrugs. "They were having a very animated conversation and Andrea had this look. This was before he was paged though. But Maggie and Jack? That's interesting."

"That's what Andy said. Are you sure about Vic and your brother?"

Carina yawns and lays her head back on Maya's chest." I could be wrong. I was really tired but there seemed to be something there."

"I guess we'll just have to see what happens or Vic will spill. She's terrible with secrets."

"I just don't want Andrea at our place all the time, now."

Maya makes a vague affirmative noise at that.

"What?"

"That's the second time today you've referred to my place as yours."

"Oh. I didn't even—is that okay?” Carina shifts, moves to prop her head on her arm so she can face Maya.

"It's more than okay. I like hearing you say it." Maya says, then rushes the last bit of her thoughts out before she can back track. "I was actually thinking about you moving in? If you wanted."

Carina doesn't respond and Maya risks a glance down at her. She's smiling widely.

"You were?"

"I was. I know it's a little soon but I feel like I've made it your job to always move us along and I don't want it to always be your job, I want this—you—too."

Carina beams and pulls Maya down for a kiss; she's smiling too hard for it to be any good but it doesn't matter.

“I love this idea, and that you're so sure,” Carina says when she moves back. "But it does feel really soon so maybe in a few months? Because I'm not saying no, just not right now."

Maya nods, disappointed but understanding. It was a bit of a gamble, and she gets that there are a few more steps they need to take before they get to living together, but she still hoped.

"Can we talk about this again after New Years?" Maya says, playing with the ends of Carina's hair.

"Yes, that's a good time," Carina smiles up at her, then closes her eyes again. "I'm going to nap, now. It'll be short so don't move, okay?"

Maya just smiles down at her, knowing she's got a dumbstruck look on her face but it is what it is.

She hasn't ever wanted this—continuous connection—with anyone, ever.

When Maya thinks about home, she doesn't think of the house she grew up in which was always tense and silent and fillied with inarticulate rage. She also doesn't think about the new house her mother lives in, which is still unfamiliar but so bright and filled with calm understanding, it already feels like somewhere safe.

When Maya thinks of home, she thinks of her apartment and how she'd just picked it because she liked how much light it got. She's not always there enough to care about anything else but in the past year, with Vic and Carina it feels less like just the place she goes to sleep between shifts and like an actual home.

It feel like home when she opens the cupboard and sees the organic peanut butter Carina likes or the jars of pickled cabbage in the fridge Vic swears heals anything.

It feels like home when Carina plays her loud europop in the kitchen while she cooks, grabbing Maya's hand to make her dance with her.

Last week, Maya had Kylie Minogue's 'cant get you out of my head' stuck in _her_ head for half a shift and she hadn't even realized she was humming until Travis joined her and it became a whole thing.

This moment though, with Carina cuddled onto her, half alseep and soft, it's already part of a memory, and in an hour, in a day, it'll pass and she'll forget it. Not the feeling, but the details.

And Maya doesn't want to forget. She wants more, wants more gentle mornings and lazy days and lingering kisses and even loud music in her kitchen and bedroom and wherever else Carina wants. She wants Carina and all that she brings with her.

Maya thinks of all the years without it  
—a home and she finds she can't recall those feelings of fleeing and empty space, not anymore.

-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> reese=scout. not going back and changing the name though, as i started this series before they decided on that. 
> 
> anyway. this was the last of my prewritten(ha) stuff but i have bits of a moving in fic somewhere. wasnt going to but the most recent episode was cute. ill probably wait and see how the show goes about it though, so it isnt repetitive.


End file.
